Legacy LD5

Okay, I've been talking about making a website to explain it for years now, and since I'm still too lazy, with this hollow-daze season upon us, it's time for me to enlighten you all.

You see, some of you may not be aware of it, but every December, lawns across Amerika become battlegrounds.

The battle? The evil forces of Santa versus the good (or at least more benign) forces of Snowman.

First of all, why is one evil and one good? I really shouldn't have to explain it, but it seems some still don't get it. Ever hear of a little tale called "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?" Ever seen the Rank-Bass stop-motion animation version? If not, that'll tell you why Santa is evil. You hear the shit that comes out of that fat bastard's mouth? That story is a tale of being made a pariah for being different, and then when the society actually sees you have a value to them, they exploit you and pretend you're useful. I think that story is one of the most horrible children's stories ever conceived. Now, Frosty the Snowman, what's not to like about that? And Frosty doesn't fucking judge you like the fat man.

But I'll elaborate on that later, if need be. Now, given that Santa is evil and Snowman is good, what's all this about lawns? Well, in Amerika it's traditional for idiots to put gawdy plastic lit-up or inflatable crap on their front laws to celebrate the hollow-daze. Plastic Santas, snowmen, reindeer, nutcracker soldiers, and even Nativity scenes. At first glance, they may seem innocent, but in reality they're all modern warfare.

If you see a Santa on a lawn, it's either The Evil Man himself or one of his many agents/clones. Reindeer nearby? Cavalry. Nutcracker soldiers are, of course, soldiers, and those big plastic candles that say NOEL? Those are inter-continental ballistic missiles. Snowman? He has himself and henchmen (or even a whole family), polar bears and animals are usually on his side, but he has similar armaments...proximity is key. I see a lawn that has Santa on the roof with reindeer and NOEL candles nearby, it's bad news for a solitary Snowman out by himself on the front lawn.

Now, if you see a Nativity scene...that's the UN, a peace conference. I've seen some that looked like they were going well, both Santa and Snowman present nearby, with very little in the way of stockpiled arms. I've also, however, seen that fat bastard on his way to suicide bomb one that the entire Snowman family was attending...that fucker has no mercy.

Anyway, I'd like you all to post your own pictures of your own house, or of neighbors or strangers houses and feel free to analyze the mechanics of the battle going on there, or if not, I'd be happy to provide analysis. The important thing is, people...I've seen Santa win the year's war lots of times, and it's disheartening. If you decorate, please give Snowman the upper hand. I can Google for examples and analysis, but it's more fun to post pictures of things around you, and I'll be taking pictures of the gawdy displays around here to show how the war fares in Ankh Ridge.

Funny, I would have pegged the nativity scenes as the terrorist camps. I proudly have absolutely nothing on my house during the hollow-daze, nor do most of the folks in the area. Though I was thinking of hanging a skeleton in the window with a santa hat upon its head...

It's mostly just lights around here. There are very few Santas, and even less fake snowman. And since it never snows for Xmas here, no real snowmen either.

Does the yearly village parade thing where Santa drives around the streets in a sleigh drawn by a Volvo and afterwards rows across the village pond count? Cos I might be able to get a snap of that if I try really hard, and get lucky, it's usually gone past the house before I notice.

What about snowmen dressed up as Santa? Or worse, this monstrosity...

Apart from those crippling flaws, you got a darn fine argument there.

There's no snow down here yet, nor are there any residences with extensive decorations. I'll see what I can find in the coming weeks, though.

Heh, propaganda--much?

I don't see what's the prob--HOLEY FUCK THERE'S A SANTA OUTSIDE MY LAWN?!? WITH CANDLES THAT SAY "NOEL"?!? FML DAMMIT!!

well you see Santa is in fact the biggest world kingpin
I mean just think of it

1. Red clothing, with big beard and funny hat...nobody dealing in black market would dress up in such noticeable way = Santa looks completely unsuspicious! Furthermore, every drug dealer can easily recognize him.
2. He is said to like children, take them on his knee etc. etc. Well of course, the lollypops he gives them have minor amout of his drugs, addicting the small ones already. It makes perfect alibi too.
3. How does he acquire the 'toys' ? Simple, the said elves are cheap labor, slaves working for a sip of water and some oatmeal. Even the reindiers are forced into fake-pulling his anti-grav sled (Imagine just how much money he must have for meintenance), very much against all laws, no?
4. Fake, huge belly, used in fact for smuggling his goods
5. 'The night'. He lands on the roof, enters throught the chimney, and leaves the dope behind.
6. Show me a single record stating he -ever- paid taxes?

Which side are ice dinosaurs on?

Ice saurs BETTER be on Snowman's side. And as for Snowman dressed as Santa, that's all in context. I think in most cases it will be a clandestine snowman trying to infiltrate a Santa stronghold, and God speed and good luck to him, for all our sakes.

So would ice saurs look better effortlessly squashing snowmen, or popping those inflatable santas? Maybe the ice saurs should just be the radicals who kill everybody? I like that idea better. Around here, we don't get much snow, unfortunately. The snowman will have a long, hard battle here. Remember the Alamo!

I think someone of us, most likely Dino, should (representative for us all) SO have a friggin huge rawrsome plastic dinosaur on his front lawn instead of Santas and snowmen.
Rar.

We should all have something like this on our lawns. :3 Might look good in the snow.

All right, plooshy feets! And if you Google "Snowzilla" you'll probably come up with articles of local Ankh Ridge interest from last year.

Personally, I'm in Santa's camp and always have been. How can I place any faith in something that melts away when the temperature gets above 32 degrees? A well placed foot will knock Snowman over, and you don't ever see 'em getting up again from that.

Santa, on the other hand, is pretty damn all-powerful. Phenomenal surveillance technology, just for starters. Think of the money and contacts he must have to be able to corner the worldwide market on toy production. You might say huge corporations are evil, but what did the North Pole elf species have before Santa came and gave them shelter, food, warmth and work? They had snow, lots of it, and that was it. By taking them in hand, Santa probably saved the entire species from extinction.

And all he asks for in return for free toys and candy every year? YOUR COMPLETE LOYALTY. A small price to pay for free toys and candy, I think. What else are you going to do with your loyalty? Chances are, you're not using it anyway.

I'm on the team with the power, the pull and the money, naturally. Snowman never did anything for me, but Santa gave me that awesome pink bike when I was seven. That being said, living with the poor deluded weesaur makes for an interesting holiday season every year, as you can probably imagine.

*Imagines a tiny weesaur running around the lawn, getting stressed at Santas while a sedate raptor watches, curled up on the porch*

*sighs*