Legacy LD5

Yes, Billy started to write his first Mega Macro story. *Que people screaming that the art of writing has now been ruined forever~* =P
My story can best be described as a result that you get when you stay up late at night and start to write something lustful to entertain yourself with then decided to post it on the internet.
I could say I was inspired by a certain interactive Mega Macro/Micro story over at writing.com and it even includes a parody of Cashew-Lou's most recent story. =3

For those of you litterary genuisses out there... abandon all hope ye who enter --> http://download.lavadomefive.com/member ... illion.txt

Critiques are of course, highly appreciated. ;3

It's a bit... meta-heavy for my taste. In a couple spots it seems as though you, the author, are setting aside the story in order to get a more personal point across. You already opened with an elaborate disclaimer that this is a self-insert wish-fulfillment fetish-fuel story. You really don't need to keep referring to those points within the story itself. Using your limited space to provide characterization before disaster strikes (sometimes known in horror-film circles as "twenty minutes with jerks") to point out that not only do the story's main characters (intended to be fictional, self-insert aside) share the fetish that the story is about, but that they jerk off to it on the Internet is... rather on the nose, don't you think? There's preaching to the choir, and then there's making your readers uncomfortably aware of how abnormal their turn-ons are.
Or posting habits, for that matter. Any drama-llamas who see themselves in Ronny the Rat will not appreciate being vilified in such a manner. Don't feed the trolls!
Aside from that I just have a bunch of nitpicks toward spelling, grammar, and word choice. For example, emoticons after dialogue work within speech bubbles of your illustrations, but not so well in a text-only narrative. Rather than impose the most petty of my pretentious opinions on you, I offer a... partial rewrite. Some paragraphs I wouldn't touch without a heavy dose of euphemism. You may have seen what I once did for blackredragoness. The core narrative is solid and certainly has appeal, I just wish it had a bit more polish. And with your blessing, I'll make it so. What say you?

First of all, thanks for being so bluntly honest with me. :3
I totally didn't intend for the story to sound preacy or anything, I just wanted to write up some random characters, as well as common stereotypes (like Ronny the Rat for example) just to have fun with them, abuse them and stuff like that, but I agree that- perhaps because I wrote this story for myself originally, that I may have gotten overboard with some 'touchy subjects/characteristics' that not many people would find a laughing matter and re-reading some of those lines: yes, some of it does come accross as preacy.
I do agree that self-insert fics are often disasterous and now that you mention it, those parts in which I crossed the line with fantasy vs. reality do come accross as 'stupid' and perhaps even 'greatly immature' now that I look back to them. Thank you very much for pointing that out, I will try to keep an eye to that in future stories I may write. ^^;
That being said, I'll definitely try to focus more on the overall characterisation of the people involved rather than write out a saturday-morning sketch/slash-fic.

And yeah, the spelling... I wrote the story like I would write a paragraph of an RP, long-winded with some of my own stupid humor and emoticons thrown in. (It's an unhealthy habit of mine)
I'm aware that some sentences may delve a little too much into 'redundancy-department-of-redundancy' waters... and would you believe I actually checked the story for any grammatical errors? Twice even? ^^; (did it manually though, without the use of any programs... which may explain the accompanied spelling mistakes.)
English is unfortunately not my first language so yeah... my choice of words is completely random and hap-hazard at best, I tried to convey scenes in the best way that I could, using flanderised 'descriptive-descriptions' from other stories that I've once read (I was especially inspired by the descriptions of a user known as "Tango01" over at writing.com), but after reading my story through again... yeah, there are an awful lot of things that need fixing... most of which I didn't even notice myself. <:3

As for 'petty opinions', I don't think anyone's opinions are petty, I always find it interesting to see what other people think and/or how they 'experience' the stuff I create. Other people will always look at my work from a different standpoint and may offer viewpoints or things that I haven't even thought about... like I said: "Critiques are always welcome", because what "I" personally find enjoyable may not always be what interests "others". Nobody's perfect and sadly I'm a N00b when it comes to writing stories.

You mentioned you wanted to offer a partial re-write, well if you would, then I'd truly appreciate it. :3
In a way it could give me a lot of info on how you think and interprete my story, what parts you did find interesting and I could possibly use it as a reference on how to write properly, rather than randomly type out scenes that hopefully come out the way I imagined them.
I often have the habit of writing down things that only I seem to understand, without giving much backstory on the 'how' or 'why' parts. (possibly because I'm trying to get to 'the-good-stuff'.)
I may be just a tad bit impatient when it comes to writing. ^^;

Again, thank you very much for your critiques, I will make a note of them and I'm looking foreward to that partial re-write. ^_^

Well, knowing how Billy does his comics, I can see how his story was written and paced how it was. I enjoyed quite a few parts of it!

Actually, that may be part of the problem, it's paced like one of my comics and while that pacing may work for a visual medium, it falls flat inside a litterary one.
Aww well, more food for thought! Glad you enjoyed it Dino! ;3