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BEEP BOOP Operation Birthday Present Complete. Transliteration Of Complete Original Post Below.
Product Improvement Is Subjective. Please Evaluate For Pretentiousness BOOP BEEP
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Lots of people love online gaming. Some folks are hopelessly addicted to it. And then there's me - Sparky Rex. Having finally established independence as a college student, I've dedicated my entire freshman year to developing the ultimate in gaming technology. A combination of computer, web server and mass storage with enough memory to hold and sustain an entire human brain. Specifically, mine. Starting tomorrow, I will explore the world wide web not through a primitive keyboard and monitor, but as a self-aware digitized consciousness. Trouble is, the human consciousness can't be in two places at once. Overwriting an existing neural network with new memories leads to one hell of an identity crisis. Once I'm uploaded, I won't be able to return to my physical body until the computer can defragment my "brain drive" to the point where it can safely download back into my body without memory loss. That could take days, even weeks... and I'm not sure it's possible at all.
I'm not going in alone, though. I have TALI (Technologically Advanced Language Intelligence), a self-aware artificial intelligence. It can move between my network and a robot body of my design at will. I'm entrusting this machine to keep me company in the virtual world while monitoring the vitals of my physical body. If all goes well, this would be the best gaming session of my life, and we'd come out if it much smarter than ever thought possible.
I wiped sweat from my neck as I prepared the morphine injection. With TALI's help I had converted my bed into a space-age stasis chamber. Tubes and wires all over my body were one thing, but I could never stand needles. "Come on, washed-out rockstars do this all the time!" I thought as the fluid slowly flowed into my veins. Once the panic subsided, I said "TALI, the morphine will knock me out in just a few minutes. Please initiate the upload of my brainwaves. Once I'm awake in the virtual world, find me and we can begin our adventure."
TALI's voice was that of a Russian-accented female I copied over from my GPS. "Understood, Sparky. However, you have not specified which world to explore."
I injected the next set of ingredients as TALI connected a USB cable between the server and my immersion helmet. "So many to choose from... ah, you know what I like. Surprise me!"
"Thank you, Sparky. I have already chosen a game based on your recent browsing history."
"Good... wait, what? That's not the kind of surprise I was talking about! Are you holding out on me?" If TALI answered, it was lost in the drug-induced haze.
When I came to, I found myself not in my apartment but seated in a taxicab. I felt strangely warm all over, and I could hear Skillet's "Monster" blaring over the radio. I rubbed my head, and cried out as I felt another needle-like jab. I looked at my hands as I recoiled, and I appeared to be wearing furry gloves with claws sewn onto the fingers. No... these were my hands. In fact, I was covered in thick grey fur all over, like a wolf. My ears had moved to the top of my head, which explains the pain from a moment ago. I was expecting my avatar to be based on my real body, but this was quite a shock. "What the hell is going on here?" I shouted.
"Easy there, buddy" the cabbie said without looking away from the road ahead. "Must have had a long day at work to conk out on the ride home like that. Anyway, we've nearly crossed ol' Goldie." I looked out the taxi's window, and sure enough we were on the Golden Gate bridge. Such an iconic landmark is visible all over the internet, so I recognized it right away. The radio continued screaming about a monster deep within as the driver muttered, "Geez, look at this traffic. It's gonna take an hour just to reach the other side. Lucky this meter only counts the miles, eh, kid?" I shifted closer to the window to get a better look at my surroundings.
Just then, I felt a strong vibration, distinct from the cab's motor. "Son of a submariner," the cabbie grumbled, "is the suspension giving out again? Stupid rustbucket." Over the side of the bridge, I could see the water parting about a hundred feet from shore, as though something was emerging. I rubbed my eyes thinking it was a trick of the light, but the disturbance in the waves was growing in size and intensity. The bridge began to sway from side to side, and the cabbie began to panic. "On second thought kid, maybe you're better off walking. In fact, I think I'll walk home too." I opened the cab door and quickly noticed that most of those around us had the same idea. A policeman was trying to direct people to the walking-path portions of the bridge, but his gaze was transfixed on the water instead of the traffic. I darted towards him and grabbed his arm. "We need to get off this bridge right now!" At that moment I saw what had the officer frozen in fear. An enormous sea monster - no, a kaiju - at least 200 feet tall and poised to strike the bridge!
"I won't stand for this!" I shouted as I reached for the policeman's holster. I retrieved a Glock 18, which may as well be a peashooter to a beast this large, but it would hopefully serve as a distraction. I fired wildly, pulling the trigger long after all seven chambers had emptied. I thought there was no way I could miss such a large target, but I neglected to notice the bridge supports between me and the beast. The long wires, already strained from the whole bridge shaking and swaying, began to snap. As the suspension failed, the center of the bridge sagged until it split right across the middle. Cars and people began to slide off into the water. Faults continued to open, quickly approaching our end of the bridge. I screamed and turned to run towards the mainland, but the road quickly became too steep. Just as I began to slide downward, a stray cable whipped into my reach. It was now or never. I jumped off the collapsing bridge and gripped the cable as tight as I could. My furry arms did not provide much friction at first, and the sudden heat and pain nearly forced me to let go. By the time I did stop, I was dangling at the very end of the cable about a hundred feet above the water, and the last of the stranded vehicles were plummeting from the remains of the bridge. I had a choice between a slow climb up or a long fall down.
"Dammit Sparky, pull yourself together! I've played millions of games before... I should know how to get myself out of this." Aside from the gun I just swiped, I wasn't really carrying anything. I was out of ammo, so it was useless as a weapon... but it's just the right shape to use as an anchor to help me climb up. Straining to hold myself up with one hand, I quickly threaded the end of the cable through the trigger guard. Then, ever so slowly, I began to work my way up. The trigger guard was not constructed for this degree of pressure, however, and soon snapped apart.
"SKAAARCK!" The kaiju's roar echoed over the destruction. I turned toward the monster to find it staring right at me, mouth watering. I cursed again and tossed the pistol at the beast, only to have it bounce harmlessly of its face. I realized I was stuck with the same choice I had just minutes before, except now I looked just like a worm wriggling on a hook to a great terror of the sea. I took a deep breath and let go of the cable. As I began to freefall, my tail whipped into my face, causing me to sneeze. Fighting the urge to pass out, I slowly rotated into a diving position. As I brought my legs together, I felt a stinging pain. I opened my eyes to spot a length of rusty wire from the bridge had wrapped along my leg. How long had that been there? If the impact of the water didn't end me, the added weight of the wire would surely drown me. "Get the hell off me!" I screamed as the cold Pacific ocean swallowed me.
I was sinking fast; I had not anticipated how much heavier my furry body would be when soaked to the bone. I dug my claws into the metal, trying to wedge it off my leg. I was freed after a few seconds, but I was already too weak to kick effectively. As the last of my air dwindled, I closed my eyes and wondered how I could return to the real world if my last memory was of my own death.
Just then, I was sent tumbling wildly through the water. I was briefly wrapped in what felt like thick leather. When the pressure subsided, I opened my eyes and flailed my limbs, desperate to return feeling to my extremities. Examining my surroundings, I appeared to be in a small underwater cavern. At one end was a tunnel illuminated by unknown means. At the other was a massive, concave row of interlocking spikes. In my difficulty to stand up, it occurred to me that I was not in a cave, but a kaiju's maw. The interlocked spikes were teeth that would put a Tyrannosaurus to shame. Even from my perspective, their tips looked rather sharp. The teeth shifted as I stared, releasing precious air as more water was forced inside. Did the kaiju even realize I was inside its mouth, much less still alive? I gasped and prepared to scream once more when a voice rang in my mind.
"Sparky, go in... trust me, you'll be okay!" It was unmistakably TALI's voice. Was it trying to contact me from inside the game, or the real world? I couldn't tell, and in any case I had no time to dwell on it. I looked into the curiously glowing throat, unable to see it as anything more than a deathtrap. Yes again, I was forced to choose between bad and worse. Being eaten alive seemed no more appealing than drowning, but if Jonas could survive such an ordeal, than so could I. Suddenly, the tongue I was standing on flipped backward, sending me end over end towards the back of the throat, which opened up to reveal some truly monstrous tonsils. A surge of water from behind pushed me further downward. The light disappeared as I slid deeper into the monster's stomach. This living tunnel felt at least a hundred feet long, gradually getting tighter as I went deeper. I could feel the machinations of every muscle as they pulsated in rhythm. At one point the esophagus closed up right around me, reminding me of the hose on those masks jet fighter pilots wear in all the movies. Between the grooves and the gravity, I had no chance of moving back upward.
I could hear the stomach further below as it grumbled and churned. I gulped and gagged as the temperature rose and a nauseating wave of gas billowed around me. The narrow passage abruptly ended, and I tumbled a few dozen feet into a pool of stomach acid. It seemed almost fitting that I entered the belly with a belly flop. At least I didn't sink far... but I could tell the liquid went at least twenty feet deep, and was rising by the second. Somehow the acid gave off its own light, much like the throat high above. I started to itch all over... I needed to find a way out, lest I end up like everything else ever swallowed by this monster. I cried for help from someone, anyone, as loud as I could. I felt death by digestion was in fact worse than drowning, as I swam to the nearest swath of stomach lining and punched furiously, hoping against hope that I could be freed, or at least noticed. Between my flailing and yelling, I quickly succumbed to exhaustion. I could barely hold onto the side of the stomach, and I passed out seconds later.
And yet, fate had more in store for me. I eventually snapped awake, in an entirely different sort of cavern. Between what I could feel of the floor and air, it was clear this was the ordinary type of cave, one carved into the side of a mountain. I was in one piece, but still drenched in that awful acid. It was no longer corrosive, but it still stunk to high heaven. I shook my body a bit, trying to replicate the motions a dog might use to dry themselves. It was much harder than I expected, so I walked around a bit to get away from the worst of the smell.
The walls of this cave were covered in a strange-colored glassy material. Ice, or perhaps crystal. I felt the sneaking suspicion I was not alone in this cave; something I could see easily, but not see all at once. I rubbed my eyes, expecting it to be just a trick of the light. I probably just had kaiju on the brain after such a close encounter with one, or perhaps two of them. I could not keep myself from approaching. Perhaps I was delirious from the smelly fluid that covered me, or perhaps I thought nothing could kill me after what I had just been through. As I got closer, it became easier to focus on the massive silhouette. It looked like a giant reptile, much like the one that wrecked the Golden Gate, and yet... this one was different. Somehow, my lupine nozzle could make out its unique musk over the acid that clung to my fur. Despite its giant maw full of bits of indiscernible meat from its last meal, it seemed almost... feminine.
Against all reason, I wondered if this was the same creature that had swallowed me earlier. As I approached to confirm my suspicion, I tripped over something. In the dark I thought it was some kind of rock formation, but it was actually the creature's tail. Despite the considerable size difference between us, it felt my impact and snapped to attention. Once again I was caught in the gaze of a beast so powerful that fighting and fleeing were equally futile. I fell to my knees as it stood towering above me. It seemed to sense my submission as it made a chuffing sound I could only assume was a snicker. It kneeled down with such grace that its plated knee barely made a dent in the ground. Then it brought its head closer and closer to the floor. Its eye alone was massive, as tall as my entire body and wider still. I shuddered as I tried to figure out what was going through this creature's mind.
As I stared into its eyes - or rather, its eye - with alternating wonder and fear, I didn't even notice the massive three-fingered hand approaching me from behind. It wrapped around me and lifted me effortlessly into the air. I began to frantically swing my legs trying to free myself from its unholy grip. "No! Put me down! Please! I don't like this! Dammit! Arrgh!" My words came out in a frantic rush. After a moment its grip loosened, leaving me in the center of its massive palm. The texture was a curious mix of flesh and scales, but most astonishing was the size of it all; there was enough space to accommodate a small truck. For all its strength, I noticed a small weakness: a piece of rebar was lodged in between two scales. It was bewildering to think a creature seemingly bulletproof all over could feel this big metal rod the way I might feel a splinter. As I looked between the piece of rebar and the beast's face, I noticed its pupils were darting from side to side, indicating that it was expecting me to do something about the rebar. If it would prolong my own life, I figured I should at least try to help. Even if it had almost (maybe) eaten me. I hunkered down and got a firm grip on the bar. The other end was deep into the skin underneath the scales, but I couldn't tell how far. I pulled with all my might, but it came loose with surprising ease. The rebar spun out of my grasp as I toppled backward, right off of the beast's hand. I barely had time to scream before I collided with the creature's foot. Landing on its scales was marginally better than the cold ground. The creature chuffed again as I looked over the huge foot. Each toe was at least five times my size. And yet... it appeared to be off balance. I rolled off its toes as it shifted its weight once again. It seemed to have a hard time moving around... was it limping?
"HEY! Hold still and let me take a look at that!" I called out, uncertain if it could hear me at this distance, much less understand me. Sure enough, it pivoted ponderously and attempted to hover its foot above me. The sole, though covered in old dirt and older scars, was fitted with enough padding so that it could tread comfortably on just about anything, and even move relatively quietly for a beast of its size. The sole was also littered with the bones of dead animals, which was rather disconcerting. Among all this there seemed to be a several loops of barbed wire fencing lodged in its sole. Rebar was one thing, but I wasn't getting near that without some wire cutters. I craned my neck upwards and called out once more.
"I need to find some equipment to help you. I can't clean the wound here... I need to get some from a nearby store or something!" The big lizard tilted its head to one side, as though it didn't trust me. It seemed this was a long shot... for both of us. If letting me out of its sight, however temporarily, would give me some advantage over it I was not yet aware of... would I take it? Probably not. I was not interested in revenge, at least not against something big enough to kill me with a thought. "Look, I promise if I don't come back... you can eat me! Again. Maybe. How's that?" It nodded and pointed towards a hole in a nearby wall - presumably an exit to the world beyond - and I hustled out of there before it would work out the logic behind that statement. It seemed almost sad to see me go. Could such a creature have... feelings for me? Could I... return those feelings? I felt a bit queasy again, and hoped it was from the lingering stomach acid.
The light outside the cave was beyond blinding. The temperature was rising quickly... was this Death Valley? I scanned the horizon as I panted heavily in hopes of cooling down. I couldn't find a single trace of civilization. It would have been nice to have a compass... or better yet, a car. If wishes were fishes, it's better to dream big... or something like that. I reckoned the best I could do was follow the sun westward.
The ground was blistering hot; painful to walk on even with my thick paw pads. They almost appeared to be steaming... which made since given they were the only sweat glands on my body now. Travelling like this seemed pointless. The landscape was naught but a barren wasteland for miles around. A few low-lying clouds would cover the sun for a moment now and then, but it was still too much to bear. I moaned in exhaustion. All I had accomplished so far was working up serious hunger and thirst. With another groan, I lied down and started to bury myself in the sand. Since I couldn't find shade, perhaps I could make my own. I glanced skyward briefly and saw a few buzzards circling overhead. Typical. Worse than that, stereotypical. At least being eaten by a kaiju was exotic... and mercifully faster than heatstroke.
Only half-covered, I took a moment to rest face-down in the sand. Eventually something brushed against me. I lashed out with my arm, but something caught my wrist. The grip came from a hand much like my own... a human!
"You look like a coyote, but you sure don't fight like one. What's your deal?" The voice was female, but not one I recognized. I lurched up into a sitting position to get a better look at her. She seemed about 18 or 19 years old, wearing a full archipelago outfit, complete with pith helmet. Clearly she was better dressed for this environment than I. Better yet, she likely knows where other humans have set up shelter. "You first! Where did you come from?" I shouted. Not the best first impression, but with seemingly everything in the world out to kill me, I was feeling rather bitter.
"I found you while out here searching for the remains of a T. Rex that I had marked the day before, but it's nowhere to be found. It's almost like it just got up and left. You're pretty feisty for looking dead just a moment ago. And what is with that costume of yours? You must be seven shades of crazy to be wearing that in this heat."
"Call me crazy if you want, but not because I'm furry all over. I think your 'bones' came to life since you last saw them."
"You're right, dog-dude, that is crazy. Those bones haven't moved for, like, five hundred million years."
"Where are we, anyhow? Death Valley? I was crossing the Golden Gate bridge just... some hours ago. Not sure how many."
The girl shook her head. "Not even close. This here is the Sahara desert. You hiding a jet engine somewheres?"
"I may have had a one-way ticket on an experimental submarine, but not one I'd ever want to use again. Do you have any food on you, by any chance? Pleasant conversation is nice but I'd hate to drop dead after having just met you." She nodded and retrieved a map from one of her cargo pockets. "We're within fifteen minutes from my vehicle. From there it's a short jaunt back to the camp, where we have plenty of supplies. I don't mind taking you along... you're quite the scientific find yourself."
"Let's go, then." I nodded and accepted her hand as she pulled me to my feet. I wasn't sure I was able to walk at first, but being so close to sanctuary gave me the determination to keep going a little longer. Sure enough, ten minutes later I could see a road up ahead, with an ATV parked alongside. When would I reunite with TALI? Is it possible I could befriend the colossal monster I left behind? Only one thing was certain... things were finally looking up for ol' Sparky.
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