Code:
Quick! Before Club MTV is on!
Name: Archmage #129
Date: 6:41 pm Wed Oct 25, 1989
The crew ran back into the GodzEDTD and took off, draging a thrashing loonie
with them. "Wait a minute...if we're in TV land, let's pick up some stuff
while we're here. Dino, can you change channels with that thing? Good. Now
go back 3 years in time...good. Philly 57, 6:30 in the morning...Great! Now
I'll just send out a probe, and..."
In a few seconds, the probe returned with a blue motorcycle and a suit of
blue body armour. "Right, one REF VR-041 Saber Cyclone from Robotech coming
right up!" Archmage suited up, and the Cyclone transformed into Battle
Armour. "Let's see Astaran try to attack us now! Ok, guys, let's pick up any
other items from TV land before we leave. Who wants what?"
Gul na iluveheru,
__ , __
-|A|- rchmage
Nothing too big or that would ruin the plot, please!
/
(shit, I hate that!)
"Well, I always...
Name: Dinosaur #16
Date: 7:44 pm Wed Oct 25, 1989
...wanted to find out what the 'oscillation supercharger' was from that one
Dinosaucers episode...I believe it's playing on the Family Network on cable
now. Let me go down and have a look..." said Dino as he set the GodzEDTD
coordinates to land at the beginning of the episode entitled "Allo and
Cos-Stego Meet the Abominable Snowman..."
"That guy is REALLY looney," said Archmage
"He's beyond retro," said Booj.
"Oh, he's just so cool," said Littlefoot.
"Three-horns never philosophise about humans," bitched Cera.
"Save a potato," repeated Mr. Rice-A-Roni.
Dino returned, with a red box 7" square with a white button on top. The
box was labeled "OSCILLATION SUPERCHARGER."
"Well, I had to give Allo $100,000 for the parts to make one, but here it
is. But I still have no fuckin' idea what it's for..."
"Who's next?" asked Seff.
(Watch Dr. Who post next!)
(What timing!!!)
Name: Doctor Who #62
Date: 8:16 pm Wed Oct 25, 1989
"oh, good, I'm next!" I wanna go on some Dr. Who episode and get a new
TARDIS...the old one was in the SimCity rubble. Luckily K-9 was with me."
K-9 said, "Very lucky, master."
Later...
"Now it's someone else's turn..."
Astaran interrupted the Doc and her voice vaguely appeared over the
sky saying, "Enjoy this freedom while you can. I hafta have dinner..."
__
_||__
/ <> /|
----+ |
|DR.|/|
|WHO|||
|_|_|/
Cont.
Name: Booji Boy #8
Date: 10:53 pm Wed Oct 25, 1989
The Crew were all in the GODZEDTD when all of a sudden, Booji Boy started to
scream and then proceeded to run at Dinosaur.
"What in the world is wrong with that human,NOW?!" Asked Seff.
"Ahh,he does this stuff all the time." replied Dinosaur just as Booji Boy
nailed him in the chin with an uppercut.
Booji Boy then hit Dinosaur over and over and over again until Dinosaur was
thrown against a computer terminal.
ZZZAAAAPPPPP....."Ahhhhh" Screamed Dinosaur as he got a somewhat huge
electrical shock.
Dinosaur fell to the ground. Unconscience,dead,no one knew for sher.
"HAHA! I was never Booji Boy. Astaran killed him a while ago and still has
his soul in a gem and...." started the fake Booj.
"Stop. You fool. Tell them no more. Dinosaur is dead,and that's all that
matters. They will be lost forever in their EDTD." Stated Astaran.
"Now,destroy the others."
Booji Boy turned to the only other being whoi knew how the EDTD worked. Seff.
"Die. You overgrown Lizard!" Yelled The robotic Booji, as darts started to
fly out of holes in his fingertips.
Several of the darts hit Seff,causing him to feel dizzy and lose his balance.
"Now,you will Die." stated The Robot Booji Boy,as he pulled a pistol out of
his pants(that's right. He wasn't glad to see Cera) and aimed it at Seff.
"Goodbye. Fool!"....
Meanwhile...
Name: Basil #9
Date: 6:30 pm Thu Oct 26, 1989
Zonker stood up, he surveyed the land around him. Apparently he
had been abandoned in this strange world. The hills rose to the west, like the
coils of some strange serpent rising above a see of grass. The clouds hung
over the place like an ebony pall, supported by a few colmns of wispy smoke
off in the distance. He knew what it was he had to do and began walking to the
west, swallowed by the tall grasses of this endless ocean. His feet moved
slowly at first, but then with greater speed. His mission was clear; there was
work to be done here, a people in desperate need of a hero. Zonker knew he was
no hero, but sometimes there is nothing to do but accept that role for which
fate has touched you. With heavy heart, Zonker walked off towards the distant
smoke, a new man in a land of trouble. One man can't make a difference, but he
can make a friend...
...now we return you to our regularly schedualed programming...
Duh, holy jeepers Kai lord, gosh golly, let's get wierd and live in
TV land with cartoon artifacts"...
WAIT!
Name: Hate #10
Date: 7:12 pm Thu Oct 26, 1989
RE: Meanwhile...
"WAIT!" screamed Hate at Booji Boy! "Don't you realize that all Americans are
morns, and Europe is the K-K00lest place to be? We must all band together and
destroy this evil capitalist state, and buy Audi's and BMW's and live in the
paradise across the ocean. Yes, we must return to our roots, and go back to
Europe! We Americans are just such ignorant slobs, lagging behind the world
in everything from culture to technology. The U.S.A is a place for rejects!
Just imagine living in the utter filth and dissaray found in Europe! Imagine
a place where everybody speaks a hundred different languages, looks at old
pictures, and poisons their enviornment worse than the most decrepit U.S.
company! Yes, a veritable paradise! Come, Basil is leaving for Europe soon,
so exchange your greenbacks for some K00l Eurodollars, and return to Eden: The
decrepit, exausted clime of Europe!"
Booji Boy just stood for a secod, the a pale yellow ooze began to leak from
his ears. His robotic brain wasn't manufactured in Europe, so it couldn't
handle a paragraph of that size. He soon collapsed to the ground in a small
pool of battery acid, and twisted thoughts.
"Stupid robot... they never could handle a large dose of sarcasm.", Hate
muttered as he played with some knobs (ON the control panel of Godzilla, not
Black Adder...). "Let's see where I can take this thing..."
Godzilla...
Name: Hate #10
Date: 7:23 pm Thu Oct 26, 1989
"Hmm.... this looks like an interesting world to stop at," said Dinosaur after
he had waken up, and a nice cup of tea (Civilized Europens ALWAYS drink tea,
and so should we), and had a chance to check out where they were going.
"What?", exclaimed hate. "Why would anybody stop on a world like that?" he
said as he pointed to the moniter. "Just take a look, it's the personfication
of boredom. Standard atmosphere, but a bit light on oxygen. Native life that
still live in shacks, and light wood fires. Looks like the thin atmosphere
keeps the natives from advancing anywhere in technology. They have the
intelligence of the average 7 year old American. Pathetic... Just look at
the screen. It even looks boring" Hate said as he waved towards the large
screen G.E. viewer in the corner. It wasn't a pretty sight. In fact, it
looked a little like Great Britain in the time around 1000 B.C.. It was
cloudy and rainy, and it almost looked like the smoke coming from the little
cabins supported the sky like fragile little pillars.
"Oh, what the hell! Lets land and pretend were Gods. These people look
stupid enough to still believe in the supernatural."
A 500 green lizard soon materialized about 15 feet above the ground about a
mile or two from the closest shack. "Whoops! Looks like I missed the ground
by a bit! No big deal. I'm still trying to get the hang of these controls."
There was a slight thud as the lizard dropped.
"Say, did you hear that?", said Dino.
"Yeah, kind of like a squish sound? I think I landed on a native. Oh well,
no great loss. The computer says he didn't now anybody on this world and was
just looking for a friend."
{Ah HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!}
Name: Dinosaur #16
Date: 8:04 pm Thu Oct 26, 1989
{Alright, Hate...you're really smoking! Hahahahahahahahahah!}
"Boy," sighed Dino, "I sure am glad that terminal was a high voltage, low
amp system...so it looked spectacular, but was actually quite harmless. Did
mess up my Amazing Time-Travelling Watch though, when I hit it. Are you
alright, Seff?"
"According to my calculations, those darts in the RoboBooj were only
poisonous to humans. I'll be OK in a few minutes."
"Well, since Hate is so intent on being a supreme being, Seff and I will
stay here and try to locate Astaran...and also find where Booji's SoulCrystal
is being kept. You guys go ahead," said Dino.
They all climbed out of the GodzEDTD, when they heard a muffled sound from
beneath Godzilla's foot...
"Like wow man...did I get...some bad weed...or something?"
"Huh?"
Name: The Kai Lord #69
Date: 8:27 pm Thu Oct 26, 1989
said Kai. "Whatever..."
<-- Kai -->
"WAIT! I SAID IT!!! BRU-HAHHAHAHAHAHHA"
Oh, fuck.
Name: Archmage #129
Date: 3:41 pm Fri Oct 27, 1989
"Hate, he's regenerated that damn brain pattern again. You hold him down
while I remove it PERMANATELY." Hate complied with a flying tackle, and
Archmage proceded with Open brain Surgery with a CADS-1 Energy Saber in the
middle of an open field. "Got it. Ok, I'll just use a bit of acid to singe
it off..."
At this, Zonker popped out from under the EDTD. "Acid? Huh?" Noone
seemed to notice (not that they ever did).
"Ya know, Archie, I have the feeling we've been here before. As in us.
You, me, Booji, Dino, and even Basil. Weird." A chill wind began to blow.
"Uh oh. I think I know why. This may be the land of the Discarded handles.
Once, all of those people had other pseudonyms, but they switched handles. And
if I'm right, they all wound up here, waiting for a change for revenge."
"You mean - the essences of Lord Soth, Big Brother, The Anarchist, Lao Tzu
(Gesundheit!) and Jrathan Maximillian are out...there? Makes me shudder. We'd
better find some cover, and fast.
"Huh? Weed? Did someone say weed?" asked Zonker/Basil.
Suddenly, there was the sound of a horse from the far hill. A Knight of
Solmania, radiating an aura of Evil and fear, appeared. "Fool, Archmage! I
shall reclaim my true user from you, you foul glitch of a modem personality!"
And he charged...
Gul na iluveheru,
__ , __
-|A|- rchmage
"Whole-E Shhh-yt!"
Name: Dinosaur #16
Date: 5:41 pm Fri Oct 27, 1989
...they all screamed precisely in unison.
"Back into the GodzEDTD before they ALL attack!" screamed Archmage.
The huge hand of Godzilla picked them up, and they all re-entered the
BrainCabin. Hate explained to Dino and Seff that this planet seemed to
consist of our old handle-personalities, and that they were trying to destroy
us.
"That explains it then," said Dino. "That's why the scanners said that
the inhabitants had an average intelligence quotient of 60. That's PRECISELY
what I would have done if I were in Jrathan M's situation. It's just a trap."
"But wait," said Doctor Who. "Maybe this can turn out to be to our
advantage. If we capture The Anarchist, perhaps he can lead us to the
imprisoned Booji Boy!"
"Excellent idea," agreed Seff. "We haven't had any luck finding him with
the AZProbes."
"Now what can we do to lure him inside the GodzEDTD...?"
Meanwhile...
Name: Black Adder #3
Date: 8:32 pm Fri Oct 27, 1989
...Astaran was sitting in her easy chair watching Star Trek: The Next
Generation. She thought to herself, "Hmm, that Geordi LaForge sure is cute,
but it would be nice if his skin were a bit paler..." Then a commercial
emphasising the importance of comfortable tampons came on and she switched her
monitor to the Paradise team. "Ha! Doktor Hoo haveing a brillyant idya! What
a prepostoris thawt! I dont hav anyithing two werry abought frum theze
idyots!!!!!" With that, she switched back to Star Trek and watched the
exciting conclusion...
HEY WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE!!
Name: Basil #9
Date: 11:37 am Sat Oct 28, 1989
ZONKER IS GONE! He is not under the EDTD or anything like that, he
has walked off in the arms of destiny to help a people in great danger, maybe
he'll be back later, but right now, he's walking through the ocean of grass
(legal) towards the distant hills where the villages are burning. Come on,
brutalise someone else for a change.
Sorry...
Name: Dinosaur #16
Date: 12:17 pm Sat Oct 28, 1989
...you've already paid for this. We've followed you to the people in great
need, and we smushed you. Tough titty! We have met the enemy, and they are
us!
continuing...
Name: Doctor Who #62
Date: 5:17 pm Sat Oct 28, 1989
Everyone was trying to come up with ways to lure the Anarchist (whom, i
presume, was BB??) into the GodzEDTD. Even Hate was helping the Doc program
the TARDIS to think of a way. Then, suddenly, Archy spoke.
"You know, maybe if we could...oh, never mind."
Hate pounced on him, "WHAT!?!?! We hafta do SOMETING!!"
"I was just gonna say, if we could surround the Anarchist, maybe we could
get him somehow into another enclosed space. We could make a fake Booji, and
have him saythat he would give himself up. The Anarchist wouldn't do it,
though, because he knows the GodzEDTD is ours...but we don't have another
vehicle."
"Wait! We do," said Seff. "The Doc's TARDIS. Anarchist doesn't know
it's with us. We could lure him into it. Whaddaya say, Doc?"
"it's worth a try," came the reply. "K-9, prepare the TARDIS for a
potentially violent guest. Defense code 5H2-delta."
K-9 entered the TARDIS. The plan was made that the Doc would take the
TARDIS down to the ground near Anarchist, and set up a fake Booji in the
doorway. Hate and Dino would go with him, to help pummel the Anarchist. The
others would help Seff move the GodzEDTD to someplace where it'd be safe from
intruders. The TARDIS would meet them there.
Off they went, the Doc, Dino, Hate, and the fake Booji. When they landed,
they were 25' away from the Anarchist, which was pretty good. They set up the
fake Booji (which was programmed to lure Anarchist into the TARDIS, courtesy
of Seff) in the doorway. When Anarchist saw the TARDIS and Booji, he sneered.
"Trying to phone home, Booji? It won't do you any good." Anarchist
charged at the fake Booji, and next thing he knew, he had rammed a
papier-mache Booji into the TARDIS control room.
"Get him!" yelled Dino, as he and Hate pummelled Anarchist. The Doc
closed the door, and off they went. However, something went wrong. A
disturbance was felt inside the TARDIS. It started to shake. Astaran's voice
was heard..."Yu cann't get aweh that eezilee!! I emm sending yu tu unuther
place...one ware yu will haf morr problemmz!!!"
There was a loud crash, and then they were out cold. The next thing they
knew, they were crawling out of the TARDIS, which was on it's side, onto a
grassy field. For miles, all to be seen was grass. Dino tried to be cheery,
and said, "Well, at least we're alive."
Hate said, "I'm not sure of that yet."
The Doc had checked the TARDIS's instruments, and reported their location.
"Everyone...i have some bad news. We're away from the land of used handles,
but we're on a planet where the only other living things are dinosaurs."
Dino smiled and said, "Not to worry. These are my people. Who knows,
maybe the GodzEDTD got spun here, too..."
(No room for the regular signoff, but the story is getting fun. And hate,
don't put us in New Jersey.)
Whew...
Name: Hate #10
Date: 10:29 pm Sat Oct 28, 1989
"Dinosaurs? You mean those REALLY big green things with tiny brains? I
wonder what we have to do here? Gee, I hope there is a decent mall around
here somewhere, I have to buy the new Guns 'n' Roses LP. And then maybe I'll
just hang out in the mall for a bit. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun.
Then, I'll grow my hair real long, and...", Hate babbled on.
"Uh-oh," remarked Dr. Who. "His brain has obviously snapped from the journey
back into time. Somebody tie him up before he starts to wear heavy metal
T-shirts, and listening to Metallica. We have to find a way out of here
before anybody else goes crazy."
"Yeah, first Booji gets lost, and Hate thinks he's a mall-rat. Who knows,
soon Black Adder will start riding a unicycle for a carnivil shideshow if we
don't act fast," remarked Dino.
"Yeah, sure, wh******," mumbled Kai (He didn't even realize he couldn't say
whatever) "We sure are in a mess. We gotta get outta this place..."
and as if....
Name: The Kamikaze Kat #11
Date: 12:38 am Sun Oct 29, 1989
there weren't enough problems, a member of the moral majority jumped out from
behind a tree and yelled "Freeze, you have violated interplanetary penal code
number 0042, Story without a plot containing allusions to that satanic group
Gunz N Rozez and other evil incarnations! A universe wide poll has been taken,
and 93 percent of the public (of course the poll was taken only from
psychopathic lobotomized apes on morphine but....) belive you should be thrown
into the infinite voids of plot until such time when you emerge from your
plotless state and - CRUNCH" the guy was promptly smushed by a roving glacier,
which immediately proceeded to smush the Tardis and was heading towards the
crew... Dr. said "Don't worry, I have intergalactic AAA, but I don't know if
red cross covers attacks from malificient glaciers!!"
just then the sun that the planet revolved around went supernova and engulfed
the planet in flames just as they were run over, the combined affect bing
approximately that of a slightly too hot jacuzzi, but of course Hate was
allergic to jacuzzis and promptly died, but that didn't stop him from walking
and making sarcastic remarks about cheap european jacuzzis and how american
jacuzzis were so much nicer even if he was allergic to them and that if he had
the choice between being shot and having to drive a BMW he would be hard
pressed for a decision, so no one noticed. and so...
Hmmm...
Name: Hate #10
Date: 7:37 pm Sun Oct 29, 1989
"So this is what it's like to be dead. Hmmm... Not too exciting. I guess I
was was wrong... I never did believe in an afterlife. I wonder if God is
around here. HEY! GOOOOOOOD! HEEEEELLO? GOD? Hmmm... guess not. I wonder
if this is in heaven or hell, or what? I wonder if I can find Shirley
Maclaine. I just think I'll go about hanging about this group of living
people untill I can start some trouble. Yeah, that sounds like fun..."
EEwww...
Name: Archmage #129
Date: 8:46 pm Sun Oct 29, 1989
This is getting weird.
Back in the EDTDzilla, Seff looked at the monitors. The TARDIS was kiddnapped
by Astaran! "We have to save them!" he cried.
"Wait!" said Archmage. "We need more firepower first. Ever hear of
MechaGodzilla, Seff?" He gave a devilish grin. "So much for this pile of
junk, we can rebuilt it! Astaran, prepare to meet MechaGodzilla, EDTD style!"
Gul na iluveheru,
__ , __
-|A|- rchmage
(I'm gonna let someone else smooth things out. I'm confuzed.)
EEwww...
Name: Archmage #129
Date: 8:46 pm Sun Oct 29, 1989
This is getting weird.
Back in the EDTDzilla, Seff looked at the monitors. The TARDIS was kiddnapped
by Astaran! "We have to save them!" he cried.
"Wait!" said Archmage. "We need more firepower first. Ever hear of
MechaGodzilla, Seff?" He gave a devilish grin. "So much for this pile of
junk, we can rebuilt it! Astaran, prepare to meet MechaGodzilla, EDTD style!"
Gul na iluveheru,
__ , __
-|A|- rchmage
(I'm gonna let someone else smooth things out. I'm confuzed.)
Cont.
Name: Booji Boy #8
Date: 9:51 pm Sun Oct 29, 1989
Meanwhile...
Hate was walking around and realized that he wasn't in Heaven or Hell or An
Acme supermaket. Walking with his head up trying to examine the sky,he bumped
into a spiritual form of Booji Boy.
"Hate! I see Astaran got you too!" stated Booji Boy as he fell over while
trying to balence on his tiptoes.
"Booji! Where are we?" asked Hate.
"We are in Astaran's soul gem. She plans to kill us all and keep our souls in
this gem forever. There is no escape,I've tried everything. It's all up to
the gang to get us out."
"Yol Nevr Eggs-cape! Eye wil kill U awel!" Boomed a femine voice.
"Astaran is so powerful now. Without me,the group is finished." said Hate.
Booji just looked at him and rolled his eyes.
Hmm...
Name: Hate #10
Date: 10:56 pm Sun Oct 29, 1989
"Maybe if the group somehow gave Astaran a dictionary, or something. That
would probably make her go insane (If it hasn't happened already...).",
remarked Booji.
"Yeah, but how will we get the message to them? And what the hell is a soul
gem? And how do we get out, and what else is in here?", rattled Hate.
"Eye nowe hav the too mst powrfell of da groop. Iff eye kan git da reste off
the intllligent 1s, eye wil surele winne!", screamed Astaran, as she she
flipped on the TV. She had become completely clear n her attempts to become
as white as possible. It was truly a horrendous sight.
Meanwhile...
Name: Archmage #129
Date: 4:31 pm Mon Oct 30, 1989
Seff and the crew finished up modifing the MechaGodzillaEDTD (or MGEDTD for
short). Within a few minutes, a huge silver dinosaur was materilizing in the
middle of the CMU campus. "Right, let's find that frwak and get our friends
back." said Archmage.
"What are we looking for?" asked Zonker.
"Look for a psychadellic-looking gemstone that is glowing like a Dead
Concert." he replied.
"Oh. OK, no problem."
Archmage took out the Nidas, the source of his power, and shrunk it down. Soon
it was a small pendant in the shape of a crystal ball in a dragon's claw. "Ok,
Great White Bitch, It's my stone against yours. Split up, but keep in
contacct. Scream if you see her paleness." He suited up in the cyclone
Armour, and rode off in motorcycle mode.
The group failed to spot a pair of beady red eyes floating away, as the now
invisible Astaran laughed wickedly.
Gul na iluveheru,
__ , __
-|A|- rchmage
Damn it.
Name: The Kai Lord #69
Date: 5:32 pm Mon Oct 30, 1989
I'm lost now.
Meanwhile Kai engaged in an intriguing conversation with Monkey Boy
in the back of the EDTD thingamabob, without the use of the word. You know
which word, shut up.
<-- Kai -->
i say hate can't post on this
Name: Doctor Who #62
Date: 7:21 pm Mon Oct 30, 1989
sub anymore...
COntinuing...
The MGEDTD went spinning thru space and landed in the midst of dinosaurs.
The paradisians were dizzy, but they soon spotted a smoldering heap.
Seff and Archy said simultaneously, "That might be them!"
And so, off they went, and, as luck would have it, it was Doc and Dino.
The TARDIS seemed gone, and only K-9 was left from it. They were picked up,
and started to receive a signal from Astaran (more like sonic booms).
"Fuulz! I hAf Now KaptchURreD the TaRDis, aNd Yuu ArR PowerleSSSS to FiND
Mee!!"
Suddenly, everyone thought back to a time when they were all sitting
around a table, deciding how to fight Mikey A. Then they all realized,
Astaran is spelling like A!!!
__
_||__
/ <> /|
----+ |
|DR.|/|
|WHO|||
|_|_|/
.....
"My GGGGGGGOOOOOOOOODDDDDDD!"
Name: Dinosaur #16
Date: 9:27 pm Mon Oct 30, 1989
screamed Dino, as he played the rhythm to "Bite A Bone" on his skull.
"Astaran is the final and deadliest extension of A! Now we really must
destroy him! Her! Whatever!" Dino looked at Kai, and smiled.
Cera popped out from behind MGZEDTD. "HA ha! I could be with the other
three-horns, but I chose to come back to warn YOU. I...met...ASTARAN!"
"What did you say, you tri-horned tampon?" asked Seff.
"My father told me that Jrathans have very small brains," retorted Cera.
Cera continued, "Astaran says that if you will give her the secret of
Albinovolving, she will let Hate and Booji go. HEEEEEE"
"That bitch will do anything to be an albino! She must have watched some
Dinosaucers episodes, and in her demented mind mistook Dinovolving for
Albinovolving. Well, that gives me a dino-myte idea! I still have the
oscillation supercharger, whatever that is. Let's give it to Astaran, tell
her it will Albinovolve her, and hopefully it will do something nasty to her."
"But what if it's something good...like it gives her supreme power?" asked Who.
"We'll have to take that risk, to get Booji back." answered Dino.
"And Hate!" reminded Zonker.
"Yeah, right. (Huh?)(Lever-L)." said Kai.
---------------
DinoNote: In the brilliant movie, "Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla," the creator
of Mechagodzilla was a person who had reptilian skin showing on
his face. His lackeys were actually super-evolved apes. Makes you
think, eh?
Cont.
Name: Booji Boy #8
Date: 10:43 pm Mon Oct 30, 1989
"HAHA Eye Heer Everiethink yo r saing!" said Astaran.
"Eye am throo plaing a-round. Yo wil noow dye!" with that, Astaran grew
10,000 feet tall. As she was growing,she picked up Archmage with her fingers.
When she reached her full height,she said "For a time I considered sparing
Suburbia,but now, you shall witness it's dismemberment." For some odd reason
Astaran was able to spell a complete sentence without making many mistakes.
"I'll stop you,Ann!" replied Archmage from within her hand. He rose his
hands and began to chant.
Astaran's hand began to smoke.
"Owl! Yuo wil paye fo thit onE, arshmag!" with that Astaran rose her hand
above her head,opened her mouth and dropped Archmage into it. While sliding
down her throat,he was separated from his Nidas...
"You BITCH!" Yelled Dinosaur. "Without Archy's power we are surely done
for!"...
"I have it dudes...
Name: Basil #9
Date: 11:21 pm Mon Oct 30, 1989
..." shouted Zonker, "Like, let's get the bitch to keep growing.
Where's the miracle grow?"
Dino immediately used the phone in the EDTD to call Lawn Doctor
and soon a large white and gree tank truck ppulled up driven by...
...Hate!
"Check this out. This thing has a 600hp 460 cu.in. supercharged side
oiler with a 200hp nitro kit. It'll do 0-60 in -1.2 seconds, so fast that it
makes time actually run backwards"
Zonker was unimpressed.
Hate rolled out the hose and began spraying Lawn Doctor Super
Mega-Grow Poisonous Ultra-Toxic Green Slime (300dollars a square foot for
those who want a nice healthy lawn) on the gigantic Astaran. Soon she began
growing again until she was 200,000ft tall.
"Now we've fixed you" yelled Dino, "Try breathing out where the
solar winds blow Star-Bitch!"
"Yeah" said Zonker "What he said"
Archmage then shouted "Now there is no escape, send the Albino
to his death, unprotected from the Sun's rays. Hahahahaha..."
Kai simply said "Who, when, where, why, and however."
More Deep Dino Droppings
Name: Dinosaur #16
Date: 5:34 pm Tue Oct 31, 1989
The megagiant Astaran loomed over the surface of Earth, but used her
powers to create a protective field around herself in space. "Foolish
insects...I will destroy you ALL!" She rose her arm, and slammed her hand on
the surface of the planet, destroying New Jersey.
"Quick, everyone...back into the MGZEDTD!" screamed Seff over the sounds
of hurricanes and tidal waves about to crash down upon them.
Everyone piled inside, and Dino asked Hate how he had escaped from
Astaran. Hate explained that
(----TEXT MISSING----)
"Wow! What a lucky break!" said Dino.
The MGZEDTD took off and orbited the Earth, as Astaran continued to ravage
the planet.
"We've got to get Archmage out of Astaran, and recover his Nidas, so we
can have his crucial help to destroy her," spoke Who intelligently.
"But how?" asked Kai.
"There's only one thing to do. Hold on, guys!" said Dino.
The MGZEDTD gathered speed and approached Astaran.
"What are you doing, tiny creatures?" she spoke.
Dino aimed the MGZEDTD right for Astaran's eye, and it punctured the
surface...as the MGZEDTD entered Astaran's skull...
NEXT EPISODE: /<-Rad Voyage
Wha..?
Name: Archmage #129
Date: 10:09 pm Tue Oct 31, 1989
The MGEDTD passed thru Astaran's skull only to find a vaccume on the inside.
"Oh, great. Now we have nothing to attack." said Kai.
Seff looked at the scanners. "I detect a minute life force located at the
center of the cavern." he reported. "I'm gonna manuver the MGEDTD to
intercept it."
Halfway there, someone knocked on the hatch. Archmage let himself in,
wiping his boots on the doormat. "Great things, these CADS-1 Energy sabers."
He re-sheathed the arm blades that protruded from his Cyclone's arms, and
returned it to cycle mode. "Slices even thru Asraran's thick skull! But I
still need to find the Nidas."
Soon, the MGEDTD was within visual range of the object. They looked out
the windows, only to see a large psychadellic gem floating alongside the
Nidas. A small, withered, faceless form had the objects in his hands. Mikey
A had control of the SoulGem, the Nidas, and Astaran. Inside the soulgem,
Booji Boy's form could be seen struggling to get out.
"HahaAHAHAHaHAa! FooLLS! NoW I WIlL COmbINe ThESe POwer GeMs INto OnE
MEga-GEm and I WIll Be ALl-POweRFUl!" The Paradisians watched as the jewels
merged...
Gul na iluveheru,
__ , __
-|A|- rchmage
Cont.
Name: Booji Boy #8
Date: 11:04 pm Tue Oct 31, 1989
The two stones were joined together. There was a loud crashing sound and a
brilliant white light. Booji Boy's soul was released and was starting to take
shape as a human. Flesh seemed to be materializing out of the air,as his body
was formed. And in the distance,the song "The Touch" could be heard.
Booji Boy was now 100% mutant,again. A mutant that held Archmages Nidas.
"Now bitch, have a dose of real power!" Booji Boy took the Nidas and smashed
it on his skull. Surges of Electricity flowed freely from it, hitting her
nerves and all the other nasty things inside of her.
"Know! Yo Kanknot Dees-troy mie des-tiny!" With that, Astaran started to
explode.
There was a groaning sound,
Name: Doctor Who #62
Date: 11:58 am Wed Nov 01, 1989
and the MGZEDTD turned around. The TARDIS crashed through it's roof, and the
Paradisians, all of them, broke out of Astaran's nostril. After wiping off
the shnot (sp), they noticed that Astaran had exploded. The force of the
explosion sent them around the world 19 times! They ended up in the most
unlikely place: (ACCESS DENIED), the place where Jayce works. He was thee,
back to "normal" (haha). "There"-^^^
He said to the group, who had left the MGEDTD outside, "Congratulations.
You have finally destroyed Astaran and A. You can now continue with your
lives."
There was a long-awaited GTG on the 11th, and they all celebrated with
Cheap0-Videeos (whatever they are), Light guns, AD&D, and apple juice on the
rocks.
They all went about with their lives. The story seemed finally over. The
group had finished their work. Dino and crew went on with their band. Basil
went somewhere quiet. The Art Museum. The Doc and K-9 took the TARDIS out to
some planet. It was there that the two of them felt a sense of disaster. So
did all the other Paradisians. There was a flash of light, and loud noise,
and the next thing they knew, the Paradisians, the TARDIS, the MGEDTD, and a
coconut were in a room. The room was empty except for a door to the north.
A voice rung out. "I'M BAAAAAAAA-AAAACK!"
__
_||__
/ <> /|
----+ |
|DR.|/|
|WHO|||
|_|_|/
The voice was the unmistakable one belonging to...
...
Name: Basil #9
Date: 3:27 pm Wed Nov 01, 1989
...JIM BAKER!!!!!!!!
Argh!
Name: Archmage #129
Date: 8:59 pm Wed Nov 01, 1989
Not him! Nooooo....
Archmage took out his Psycho-Nidas. "We have to leave before Tammy manages to
put on her make-up and join her evil counterpart. AZField Up!"
Gul na iluveheru,
__ , __
-|A|- rchmage
"Dammit!
Name: The Kai Lord #69
Date: 6:09 pm Thu Nov 02, 1989
...how'd he get out jail. Did Zsa Zsa break out too?
<-- Kai -->
"Horror the thought!"
Name: Archmage #129
Date: 6:39 pm Thu Nov 02, 1989
They piled into the MGEDTD, and took the Tardis with them. Once inside, they
took off and set the randomizer for landing, so that not even the forces of
Evil would know where they were. Archmage spoke up. "Who's here? Sound off!"
"Archmage."
"Dinosaur."
"Seff."
"Booji Boy."
"Der, huh? Oh, Zonker's here, dudes." (As if the smell of weed didn't tell.)
"Hate."
"Dr. Who, and K-9."
"Kai Lord."
Right, anyone else that wants to be in for another zany adventure in the Lost
Cause Bored Crusade, part III?
Gul na iluveheru,
__ , __
-|A|- rchmage
Speak now or forever hold yer
Name: Doctor Who #62
Date: 9:07 pm Thu Nov 02, 1989
peace.
I get the title page:
The Paradisians, Part III: The Return of Mikey A
This Time, They're on HIS Turf.
While sounding off, they noticed that the TARDIS had landed on a bleak
planet. However, the outside chill reminded them all of one place: Planet A.
__
_||__
/ <> /|
----+ |
|DR.|/|
|WHO|||
|_|_|/
"Planet A?" asked Dino.
Name: Dinosaur #16
Date: 9:56 pm Thu Nov 02, 1989
"But we destroyed this just a few months ago! Uh oh...we've gone too far back
in time. We HAVE to find a vacation spot! Destroying all these intergalactic
criminals is hard work! Let's find some isolated planetoid with a bearable
atmosphere, pink seas, and gorgeous babes...and have some FUN!" suggested
Zonker.
"ALRIGHT!" the others screamed in unison, which wasn't so uncanny anymore. In
any case, they all piled in the GodzEDTD, and set the dials for "The
Paradisian Planetoid," which was created by Jayce to keep his users happy when
the system first went up. It had something to offer everyone...and a little
bit more...!
Suspense...action...fresh fruit...!
Cont.
Name: Booji Boy #8
Date: 10:20 pm Thu Nov 02, 1989
There, they all lived in Harmony..getting great deals from Jaycey's company.
'Till one day Jayce just couldn't take it anymore.
"Damn you guys! First you've ruined my board,and now you ruin my tropical
Paradise! What do you think this is,Gilligin's Island?"
Just then,Mrs. Howell ran by very quickly. She was all hyped up on
Radioactive Sugarbeats.
"I'm sick of you freeloading off me! Get out of my world!" Yelled Jayce.
"Dude, Chill. We are just living in piece and harmony like the way God
intended us to." said Zonker as he injected some Radioactive waste into his
arm.
"Then,I'll have to take you out by force!" With that,the ground started to
shake and a platform was raised. On the platform were 1000 Prince Clones.
"Prince Clones, ATTACK!"...
ATTENTION_______________
Name: The Red Rider #81
Date: 6:17 pm Fri Nov 03, 1989
Be On The Look Out For:
JIM BAKKER: SEX FIEND,EMBEZLER,AND A BAD LIAR
LIONA HELMSLY: GENERAL BITCH
ZSA ZSA GABOR:COCK SLAPPER
If you see these criminals SHOOT on sight.
Have a nice day.
"HOLY SHIT" Yelled the
Name: Doctor Who #62
Date: 7:01 pm Fri Nov 03, 1989
paradisians in unison. They all had a quick huddle, and figured that they were
outnumbered by about 100 to 1. They did the only thing they could think of:
They entered the xfer section.
__
_||__
/ <> /|
----+ |
|DR.|/|
|WHO|||
|_|_|/
Xfer us out of here!
Name: Archmage #129
Date: 10:49 am Sat Nov 04, 1989
"Right! If Jayce is attacking us, we'll just have to hit back. And we know
where his base of operations is - Prepare for a D/L to the Camera Shop!" cried
Dino.
And thru use of his digitizer, the crew entered the maze of telephone lines
and wound up at...
Gul na iluveheru,
__ , __
-|A|- rchmage
(Happy E-day, Matt!)
"E-day"???
Name: Doctor Who #62
Date: 2:46 pm Sat Nov 04, 1989
...wound up at Jaycey's workplace. However, thru some weird way, he was no
longer jayce. Jayceyfishy was back.
__
_||__
/ <> /|
----+ |
|DR.|/|
|WHO|||
|_|_|/
Dammit.
Name: The Kai Lord #69
Date: 3:11 pm Sat Nov 04, 1989
siad Kai. "What the fuck is this? Why does everything keep happening
ove and over again?"
"We must be caught in time loop, " Said Doc.
"We must be caught in a time loop."
"We must be caught in a time loop."
"We must be caught in a time loop."
"We must be caught in a time loop."
"We must be caught in a time loop."
"We must be caught in a time loop."
"We must be caught in a time loop."
"We must be caught in a time loop."
"We must be caught in a time loop."
"We must be caught in a time loop."
"We must be caught in a time loop."
<-- Kai -->[C
"We must be caught...
Name: Basil #9
Date: 4:04 pm Sat Nov 04, 1989
...OWWWW!" yelleped the Doc, "Why the fuck'd ya do that?"
"Hey man, my turntable skips too sometimes," replied Zonker,
"And alls ya gotta do is give `er a good swack to get things going right
again. Watch out though, I think I see a dikfer coming."
"What's a dikfer?" asked Doc
"Well, it's a kind of alien herbivorous creature with long antlers
and cloven hooves." said Zonker, "and the rest of you, get your minds out of
the gutter!"
and so...
Name: The Kamikaze Kat #11
Date: 6:07 pm Sat Nov 04, 1989
they attempted to find the gutter in which their minds were lost, but to no
avail, for their minds were really lost in a cerebral vortex some 400,000
light-years from the camera shop, which was coincidentally in the same galaxy
as the planet of the plotless and utterly banal stories.... and so they
travelled there, but they were already there, they just orbited the planet a
few times (planet plotless is amazingly big, due to the enormous amount of
classical literature that is located there) and crash landed.
They crash landed...
Name: Black Adder #3
Date: 6:59 pm Sat Nov 04, 1989
...in the Willow Grove Mall, just outside a place called Tuerkes (often
referred to as Turkeys). They brushed themselves off, laughed at some geeky
kid who was working there, and walked down the hall to the Camera Shop.
Staring in the demo window, they watched the goofy demo of Jayce's eyes going
back and forth on the Mac and cautiously stepped inside.
"We'd better be careful, this could be dangerous!", warned Dinosaur.
Suddenly a familiar voice sounded from behind: "It doesn't matter. We're
all going to die anyway, so what's the point?" They turned. It was their
fellow user, Black Adder, cutting his Intro. To Sociology class and hanging
out at the mall, depressed as usual...
"Why do you guys...
Name: Dinosaur #16
Date: 8:41 pm Sat Nov 04, 1989
...continue this utterly useless, meaningless, and plotless story?" Adder
depressified. "Don't you realize that you're all going to be worm food?"
The instant Adder stopped talking, Kai took one of his fifty convenient
sabres on his belt and stabbed himself with it. He fell to the floor,
bleeding profusely.
"Stop it, Adder!" screamed Dinosaur.
Booji Boy took his "Devo at the Palace" CD and jammed it into his stomach.
He rubbed it back and forth quickly, and blood started to spew forth.
"Adder, you're depressing everyone TOO MUCH!" yelled Dino.
Doctor Who impaled himself on K-9.
"ADDER!!!" shouted Dino franatically.
Archmage jammed the Nidas in his mouth.
Quickly, Dino took out a quarter and stuck it in one of those conveniently
placed shopping bag machines and yanked a bag off, then placed it over Adder's
head and shoulders. "Quickly, Seff! This bag won't hold back his depression
for very long! We've got to rig up an AbsorboDepression field around Adder so
he doesn't hurt anyone!"
"Oh, why bother," Adder mumbled. "We're all dead meat."
Zarco made a SINGLE INTELLIGENT post on the advantages of cremation over
burial.
"HURRY, SEFF! IT'S GETTING WORSE!"
Then...
Name: Black Adder #3
Date: 11:29 am Sun Nov 05, 1989
...the BBC saw this, and decided that this was much too violent for young
children to be exposed to, and especially that the part about Doctor Who
committing suicide would be a bad influence on the thousands or children to
whom he was considered a hero. So the censors took up the story, editied out
the extremely violent suicide scenes, caused the Doctor to regenerate, and
spliced the whole thing back together, so that all the viewers saw was several
characters lying on the ground for inexplicable reasons, and likewise the
Doctor regenerating for unknown reasons as well. This of course made no sense
to the viewers, but that's the BBC for you!
The paper bag was still over Adder's head.
"Death...I see blackness all around me...", he moaned.
"Seff! Is that anti-depression device done yet?" yelled Dinosaur,
frantically.
"Just a microsecond...there!"
"That was close! Even though the almighty Beeb prevented the rest of us
from committing suicide, I still was kind of worried. Now lets turn it on..."
Suddenly the cool blue atmosphere around Black Adder was replaced by a
sort of cottony pink fluff, and lollipops appeared and began floating around
his head.
"Seff! I know we wanted something happier to negate the depressiveness,
but couldn't you have toned it down a bit? Gak! This is terrible! Too
sweet! But at least there isn't any caramel in it."
"That was what it took, Matthew. I had to turn it up full power."
"Well, we can live with it, I suppose..."
Archmage looked at the Doc
Name: Doctor Who #62
Date: 3:18 pm Sun Nov 05, 1989
and suddenly gave out a cry. When the Doc stood up, he looked different. He
had regenerated.
"Dammit," he said, "and i was only 625 years old!"
"HUH!??!" said the others.
"Oh, nothing."
Adder was now dancing with a nearby plant. Things were getting off the
subject when a voice was heard.
"nOw Yuu WIll diEEE!!!"
__
_||__
/ <> /|
----+ |
|DR.|/|
|WHO|||
|_|_|/
And then you did
Name: The Red Rider #81
Date: 3:59 pm Sun Nov 05, 1989
"Ack!"
Name: Archmage #129
Date: 5:01 pm Mon Nov 06, 1989
"Dammit! We can never get away from that fool Mikey Astaran!" Dino armed the
video digitizer and hooked it up to a nearby video camera. "Where is he -
I'll film him 'till he's Dino Droppings!"
"We're in trouble," began the newly regenerated Doctor, who was still a tad
befuddled. "There are 1000 Prince Clones outside, and they want to preform
'Batdance'!"
"Um, how about a hasty retreat?" ofered Archmage, removing the crystal from
his throat.
At that moment, Mikey Astaran began misspelling "Cult of Personality" and the
Clones began to laugh like the Joker. "Good God! They're creating a
disharmonic distortion zone! Quick - everyone run for the MGEDTD!" But too
late, it was shattered by the awful blend of noises. "Run! Run for your
life!" screamed Dino.
And outside, Dent had just gotten off work, and was preparing to go home. He
took the Heart of Gold out of his pocket, and...
Gul na iluveheru,
__ , __
-|A|- rchmage
somehow...
Name: The Kai Lord #69
Date: 7:16 pm Mon Nov 06, 1989
....got it started. "Hmm..." the almighty co-sysop wondered. "Where have all
of the users here gone?"
Meanwhile, the group made a hasty retreat towards the MGEDTD, but were soo
n cut off by a number of Prince Clones, and threatening to paint of their
faces white.
"DAmn it, "screamed Kai, "If I only had my SDPS we'd be out of this mess
real fast."
"SDPS?" asked Doc, still slighty confused.
"Super Dooper Pooper Scooper." answered Kai.
<-- Kai -->
While the Doc was recovering
Name: Doctor Who #62
Date: 10:01 pm Mon Nov 06, 1989
from Post-Regeneration Amnesia, he and the gang were dealing with the prince
clones.
"What are we gonna do?" came a voice which was a new voice.
"Mini! Yer back! At least, for now" screamed Archy.
Meanwhile, the paradisians were trapped. They wer pretty pissed, cuz they
had finally planned a GTG, and were gonna die first.
All hope seemed lost when suddenly, a vehicle blasted through the roof.
The paradisians and the TARDIS and the MGEDTD were scooped up. It was one of
Kai's SDPS, turned into a vehicle.
__
_||__
/ <> /|
----+ |
|DR.|/|
|WHO|||
|_|_|/
"Yes!"
Name: The Kai Lord #69
Date: 11:29 am Tue Nov 07, 1989
....."I KNow that you have long been awaiting the arrival of my long list
SDPS!" cried kai.
"No where ya heading?"
<-- Kai -->
"If only we knew!"
Name: Dinosaur #16
Date: 10:06 pm Tue Nov 07, 1989
"We have no storyline...no plot...no ANYTHING!" exclaimed Booji. "We're just
a bunch of Spud Boys from O-Hi-O wandering around aimlessly!"
"Then we'll have to do what any true computer hacker and pirate would do,"
offered Dino. "We'll STEAL someone else's plot! Just watch this..."
Dino took out the oscillation supercharger from his pocket that he had
acquired from a Dinosaucers episode when they were trapped in TV land, many
eons ago. He tossed it onto the ground, and it began to sputter. Sparks flew
from the box, a hand crank on the side began to turn itself, and a radar dish
on top projected a purple beam into the sky. A huge tornado erupted from the
beam, and the Paradisians were sucked over the rainbow...
***
Archmage opened his eyes slowly. He saw Booji, Doctor Who, and Hate lying
on the ground behind him. He sat up and nudged the others awake. They were
sitting on what appeared to be the beginning of a green brick road.
"Where are we?" asked Booji. "Oh no! Dino's turned the story into some
sort of Wizard of Oz clone! He and the others must be trapped in the story
somewhere! We have to find them!"
A glowing ball descended from the sky, and a sleek female dinosaur emerged
from the sphere. "I am the Good Lizard of Oz. Can I help you?"
"Yeah," said Doctor Who. "We need to see the head of this place."
Suddenly, little JrathaBabies poured out from the nearby bushes and danced
around the Paradisians. They sang:
You must follow the Green Scale Path
But as you go along
Steer clear of Wicked Rex's wrath
And you will not go wrong
The JrathaBabies then scattered back into the bushed, and the Good Lizard
rose back into the heavens.
"Well, let's get started," said Hate. "I just wish I had a nitro-injected
20,000 CC diesel engine to..."
Next Episode: The Lizard of Oz
OZ Cont.
Name: Booji Boy #8
Date: 11:00 pm Tue Nov 07, 1989
Just then in a puff of white smoke. Appeared The Wicked Witch of the West.
"Who landed that thing on my cat,Strwberry?" Cackled the Witch.
"Oh GOD! GOD NO!" Screamed Dinosaur. "That Witch, she's Astaran!"
Just then The Witch Astaran started to punch Booji Boy all over his
body,especially the one area she always liked. His groin area.
"I'll be watching you Dinosaur. And at the moment when you are alone I'll
kill you!" stated Astaran. "haha I'll get you my pretty. And your little dog
too!"
"His name isn't too, it's toto!" replied Dinosaur.
With that, Astaran disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"What do we do now?" asked Dr. Who...
Suddenly...
Name: Black Adder #3
Date: 10:00 am Wed Nov 08, 1989
...they all heard a loud growl. They turned around and saw that Astaran had
left behind something for them - the most vicious of her servant cats, Oreo!
She leaped toward Dinosaur and bounded on him. Dino blew a whistle and out of
the ETDT came the great white Zippy! Zippy lept at Oreo and bowled her over,
burying and smothering her under his massive white furry form. After a few
minutes Zippy got up and Oreo was gone! He gave a confused purr and went back
into the EDTD to get some tuna fish.
Then they all noticed that there was something else left where the two
cats were fighting...a note...
...
Name: Basil #9
Date: 1:43 pm Wed Nov 08, 1989
...and so Kendar set his staff down by the fire.
"What do you think about all of this?" asked Biltho.
"Sounds like a load of shit to me." replied Kendar, "but ya never
know, I mean, maybe someone will make a little sense... Nah."
"So what man, like, you wanna brew?"
"Sure, why not."
Biltho tossed Kendar an ice cold Sam Adams and they sat down and
discussed the properties of beer foam, which was imminently more sensible than
taking part in a ridiculous and booring story.
"Dammit..."
Name: The Kai Lord #69
Date: 7:20 pm Wed Nov 08, 1989
"Those little shits left me behind again..." muttered Kai, looking at his
map of the known universe, "Now where the hell did they go?"
<-- Kai -->
Whatnot.
Name: Archmage #129
Date: 8:07 pm Wed Nov 08, 1989
"Knowing those bums, they aren't in the known universe." grumblewd Kai.
"Jeeze, can't make it to the GTG, and they dump ya totally. Oh well." he
dumped himself into the nearest Black Hole to follow the group outside of
reality.
Meanwhile, in Oz, where the great city of the Lizard of Oz was visible in the
backround from every scene just like a cheap school play, the fragments of the
Paradisians began to gravitate towards the main city. Little did they know,
that 1000 Prince clones were close behind, warping the (in)reality into a form
of "The Wiz"...
Gul na iluveheru,
__ , __
-|A|- rchmage
"Why don't we take the ArchLabrynth - it connects all storylines, remember?"
"That would ruin the plot we already have. Heros never take the simple answer
- they have to do it dramatically. And Dino would kill oyu, Archy."
"Oh, yeah. Right."
We're Off to See the Lizard
Name: Dinosaur #16
Date: 10:58 pm Wed Nov 08, 1989
Dino, Doctor Who, Booji, and Archmage walked along the Green Scale Path
for a while, and came across Kai, who had just come through a black hole, only
to be crucified on the side of the road.
"Get away from me, you birds," screamed the Kaicrow as large black crows
began to eat away his stuffing.
"Eat air, mammals!" screamed Dino as he pulled out his AZG and blasted a
few fine-feathered fiends.
Doctor Who helped Kai off his crucifix, and he joined the group down the
Road.
They came to a dark and dismal forest. Hearing rustling in the bushes,
they all huddled in the middle of the Path. Suddenly, ZonkerLion jumped out
and ran behind the group, cowering. "Yeeeow! Help me! There's a narcotics
officer on my tail, dude!"
A Miami Vice-type person walked towards the group. "I only asked him if
he had the correct time." Confused, the cop walked away.
Further down the Green Scale Path, they met the Tin Adder. With a few
squirts of oil, he moved his mouth and said, "Oh, why did you have to go and
do that for. I was perfectly miserable being the way I was. Well, you'll all
die soon anyway, so that's some consolation."
"C'mon, you guys...we have to get to the Lizard before The White Witch
gets to us..." said Dino.
"Too late, lizard!" said Astaran from atop a tree. "How's about a little
fire, Kaicrow!" She lauched a fireball...
WOW!
Name: Hate #10
Date: 2:11 am Thu Nov 09, 1989
Miraculasly a space-time vortex opened at that instant and sucked the fireball
to unimaginable corners of the universe saving Kai from immenent destruction.
"That wil not stoppe me, fyyls!", Astaran screamed as she launched another
fireball at Kai.
[MEANWHILE]
A space-time vortex opened onto a strange land. Blitho and Kendar had enough
of their wits after drinking incredible amounts of cheap beer to realize that
their destruction was inevitable. Blitho had just gasped "dude..." as a
mighty fireball engulfed him and his moronic friend, thus extinguising another
irrevelent and stupid tangent this story took a few posts back.
[MEANWHILE]
The fireball continued it's short path towards Kai...
We are sorry to interupt...
Name: Basil #9
Date: 4:37 pm Thu Nov 09, 1989
...this story, but a major inacuracy in the above post has
caused the officials to render it invalid. Case in point, the term "Cheap
beer" is applied to Sam Adams lager, one of the most expensive, and in any
case, the best, beers in America or anywhere else. This is a major falicy and
just goes to show that some people know nothing about beer. We now return to
the story (such as it is) in progress.
"Hey you guys, is that Sam Adams?" asked Zonker, having wandered into
this tangent.
"Sure, we got several cases, a beer to be sipped and savored my
friend. Why don't you join us?" replied Kendar.
"Sounds good to me, that whole story was getting to ridiculous for me
anyway. Wait A minute while I put up my anti-Hate shield, this will protect us
from being incinerated by the other characters."
"Good idea compadre, here, have a brew." said Thoril as he passed
Zonker an ice cold SA. And with that they returned to their study of beer
foam, which as we have determined, is imminently more sensible than taking
part in a silly and booring story.
Ignore that last post...
Name: Doctor Who #62
Date: 7:16 pm Thu Nov 09, 1989
the fireball sped toward Kaicrow. Archy grabbed the oil can, and quickly
squirted the fireball. Since this is an unreal world, it put out the fire.
Then the doc took out his sonic screwdriver and blasted astaran. He was
pissed cuz he couldn't get to the GTG. On down the road, they cam e to a
field of flowers. Poppies. They were all starting to feel sleepy, when they
suddenly realized that the oscillation supercharger was glowing. There was a
brief glimpse of a lizard in a ballon, then all of a sudden...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dino, Doc, Hate, and Seff were walking along a path. A white rabbit
holding a stopwatch ran into a hole. Like the idiots they were, they followed
it. The next they knew, they were falling, falling, but slowly. Furniture
floated by, until they saw...
__
_||__
/ <> /|
----+ |
|DR.|/|
|WHO|||
|_|_|/
"If I only had a brain..."
Name: The Kai Lord #69
Date: 9:31 pm Thu Nov 09, 1989
"...la dee dum..." sang Kaicrow as he fell peacefully to sleep next to Zonker
in the field on Poppies.
For some reason the flower had NO effect on Zonker whatsoever, perhaps
because he had built up a tolerance? Who knows, however, he soon began to
also sing a merry song and went to gather as many of those little poppies as
he could...
<-- Kai -->
Di-Versions
Name: Dinosaur #16
Date: 10:49 pm Thu Nov 09, 1989
{It seems that the story has gone into several directions at once.
Strange...}
While the others napped and a white rabbit ran into a hole in the field of
poppies, Zonker gathered the narcotic flowers in earnest. Then, an image of
the Good Lizard was superimposed on the picture, and a light snow began to
fall, awakening the sleeping Paradisans.
"Hey, you scaly whore! You just ruined my poppies!" yelled Zonker as the
superimposure faded away. Kaicrow, the Tin Adder, and the Zonkery Lion began
to make their way to the Chlorophyllic City on the backdrop, when The Great
Seff dropped from the sky in a balloon.
"Help me, you mammals! Unless you can get Astaran's Speak 'n' Spell away
from her and bring it to me, I'm stuck in this lousy balloon! Aaah..." he
said as he rose back into the air towards the Chlorophyllic City.
Suddenly, Dinosaur emerged from the hole with small bits of white fluff
hanging from his mouth.
"Hey," asked Tin Adder, "what happened to that pathetic feeble little
white rabbit?"
Amazingly, Edgar Allen Poe appeared, complete with desk, bird stand, and
raven.
"Somebody ate the little white rabbit. I wonder who?" said Poe.
Quoth the Raven, "Dinosaur."
WOW!
Name: Hate #10
Date: 2:29 am Fri Nov 10, 1989
Unexplicably, the Raven took off at an alarming rate of speed. It had a
mission. It sensed an incredible pocket of stupidity, and needed to annhilate
it (Unknown to most, this is what ravens do best...). The raven chanced to
find the great Lizard of Oz for down the pathway, and convinced the manto send
him into the demense of beer-drinking-buffons. The Lizard gladly obliged
since he hated beer, and rather enjoyed watching fat beer bellied druggies
have thier brains torn asunder by strange black birds of prey.
Whe the raven had appeared in this dimension, it noticed a strange phenomenon.
creatures were the exact heigt of their intelligence. The bird towered above
a few puny humans who looked like they were staring at the foam on top of tiny
mugs of piss. They were all sitting around a miniscule fire doing absolutely
nothing, when one of the midgets remarked "HEY! It doesn't get any better
than this!" The rest of the tiny men nodded their approval as they sank back
into the silence the had been in for the last 4 days, while studying tiny
glasses of piss colored water. The bird had had enough of this idiocy, and
squashed they life out of the inconsequential weenies with one sweep of it's
gigantic clawed foot. Satisfied, the bird returned to his own universe, and
his tree. The bird noticed how the people below got along, and thought how
giant they would be in the world he had just visited.
"Hey, that bird that said 'Dinosaur' just flew back," observed Kai.
"Yeah, I wonder what it meant," pondered Archmage.
The restof the crowd of respectable, non-alchoholic users looked up in time to
see the raven quote "Dinosaur."
Meanwhile...
Name: Basil #9
Date: 4:59 pm Sat Nov 11, 1989
...Thoril, Kendar and Zonker watched as the rest of the
paradise crew grew stranger and stranger.
"You know guys," remarked Basil as he slowly sipped his Sam
Adams, "All those other guys seem to be seeing giant ravens, chlorophylic
Cities, green lizards, big white rabbits and all maner of other strange
things. Kind of seems to me that they're all dosing. Glad that we don't do
that stuff."
"Quite right old boy," said Kendar who was sipping a Guiness,
"Good thing we stay away from those druggies eh. Now as I was saying, on page
119 of The Republic, Plato writes, `And what happens? if he do nothing else,
and holds no converse with the Muses, does not even that intelligence which
there may be in him, having no taste of any sort of learning or enquiry or
thought or culture, grow feeble and dull and blind, his mind never waking up
or receiving nourishment, and his senses not being purged of their mists?' I
think that the point is well made here."
"I would agree, for we have only to look to Voltaire `We must
cultivate our garden' and he meant not just the watermelon and carots, but the
peas and beans as well" replied Thoril, who had just uncorked a fine 67
Chateau La Cousil.
"I quite agree," said Basil, "Balance is the key to it all. If
one is to excell at anything, one must excell at all things with equanimity."
Pardon me...
Name: Dinosaur #16
Date: 5:29 pm Sat Nov 11, 1989
...but green lizards and big white rabbits don't sound very strange to me.
Really!
Name: Archmage #129
Date: 5:42 pm Sat Nov 11, 1989
I've seen them before - haven't you?
Gul na iluveheru,
__ , __
-|A|- rchmage
"Curiouser and Curoiuser!"
"White Rabbit"
Name: Basil #9
Date: 12:55 am Sun Nov 12, 1989
"One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small, but the opnes
that mother gives you don't do anything at all"
oh...
Name: Black Adder #3
Date: 12:29 pm Sun Nov 12, 1989
...go feed your head.
"Of course, these days when we sing 'feed your head`, we mean go read a good
book."
Sure.
I actually do like that song sometimes, though.
AHEM...AHEM...
Name: Dinosaur #16
Date: 1:22 pm Sun Nov 12, 1989
Suddenly, The Wicked White Witch appeared. "Heh heh heh! With my Speak
'n' Spell, I can properly spell all the nasty things I'm going to do to your
fools!"
"That's it!" whipsered Dinosaur. "If we can get that Speak 'n' Spell away
from her, she will be POWERLESS! Although I could have sworn she had a
Franklin Ace speller that did the thinking for her..."
"Quiet, Paradisians! Now, what should I do to you all. I know! Zonker,
you will be banished to AA! Dino-sore, you will be banished to a planet
identical to Earth except that dinosaurs never existed there! Adder, you will
be banished to The Planet of Eternal Happiness! Go NOW!"
With a flash of light, Zonker, Dinosaur, and Adder disappeared.
"Now...what to do with the REST of you!"
***
Zonker tried to sit up, but was restrained in his hospital bed. "Now,
now, Zonker," comforted a nearby ugly nurse. "Those were some bad DT's you
had last night. Just take it easy..."
***
Dinosaur succeeded in sitting up. He was in a library. Thinking of what
Astaran had said, he looked for books on dinosaurs. There weren't any! The
paleontology books completely skipped the Jurassic period...
***
Adder didn't want to sit up.
of course....
Name: The Kamikaze Kat #11
Date: 2:25 pm Sun Nov 12, 1989
just that moment a super nova (which has the annoying habit of appearing
spontaneously, especially on ceilings in Cheep0 VDoZ) collided with the plot
of this story (that is, a black hole), causing all 3 planets to spin towards
eachother at a rate of 66^6 lightyears, causing an time-axis flux and....
....zapped everything back...
Name: The Kai Lord #69
Date: 4:34 pm Sun Nov 12, 1989
...to the time of the previous post...
<-- Kai -->
Hey...
Name: Basil #9
Date: 11:05 pm Sun Nov 12, 1989
...were you at the concert, or did I post that before? I don't
remember.
Meanwhile...
"Hey Zonk," said Thoril, "Get a load of this, they got at
least one clone of you stuck in the hospital with DTs."
"Geez," replied Zonker, "Why can't they get it straight,
now that my blood is 100%LSD, I don't GET DTs. What a looney story, now where
was I, oh yes. Now, I believe it was Telemachus who brought forth the notion
that an artist can not make a mistake, because in that one instant that he is
making a mistake, he is not truly an artist. Now, I'm not so sure I agree with
what Plato is saying here."
"Well Zonker," said Kendar as he sipped from his snifter of
cognac, "The essential problem with that statement is that it's all goal
oriented. It assumes that an artist is one who creates art, and as such in his
mistake the artist does not creat art and is not a true artist. However, if we
apply this theory to a more conventional definition of the term artist, we
will discover that an artist is not necessarily one who makes art, but one
who's goal is to make art, and as such even in the act of making a mistake his
goal remains the same and thus he is still an artist."
"I think that you're both missing an important factor,"
said Thoril, "Everything you say relates to result, not process. If we define
an artist as one who is in the process of making art, with no specific goal
intended. That is, an individual who is concerned only with the act of
creation, and not with the artistic qualities of what is actually created we
will see that..."
WHEW!
Name: Hate #10
Date: 12:56 am Mon Nov 13, 1989
And Basil calls *OUR* posts boring...
No, they are just long
Name: The Red Rider #81
Date: 2:27 pm Mon Nov 13, 1989
Meanwhile...
Name: Dinosaur #16
Date: 5:26 pm Mon Nov 13, 1989
Booji noticed that Astaran had left behind Dinosaur's Bag-O-Triks. He
opened the bag, threw out the various Dinosaucer tapes, the inflatable
vibrating dinosaurs, Zippy his cat, and his AZG. The last thing in the bag
was a bulk tape demagnetizer. He grabbed it, plugged it into his Instant
Outlet, and then approached the White Witch. Before she could spell out what
she was going to say on her Speak 'n' Spell, the Booj turned it on over the
evil spelling device. The incredibly powerful alternating magnetic field
wiped out the integrated circuits inside the dark Texas Instruments device,
and the machine fizzled and died.
"Know! Kno!! U kanknot defeet myi! Aaahgyhh! Ey''m mehltyngh! O wot a
woild, wot a woild..." stuttered Astaran as she melted away. Instantly,
Dinosaur, Zonker, and Adder reappeared.
"Let's get the fuck OUT OF THIS LOUSY STORY!" screamed Dinosaur as he took
the Speak 'n' Spell from Booj and threw it into the air. It punctured the red
balloon suspending The Great Lizard (Seff) and exploded with such force that
the Paradisians were flung out of that StoryVerse and landed...believe it or
not...in the REAL world. The precise location? A 7-Eleven at the corner of
Street and Maple Avenues in lovely downtown Suburbia...
Dammit...
Name: The Kai Lord #69
Date: 7:20 pm Mon Nov 13, 1989
...Kai announced as he finally arose from his nap, "WHERE THE F*CK IS
EVERYBODY?"
<-- Kai -->
Suddenly, there was a huge
Name: Doctor Who #62
Date: 8:51 pm Mon Nov 13, 1989
voice booming out. It was jaycey. He said, "All must re-commence. Hahaha."
There was a 7-11. All the Paradisians were in a Huge winnebago, filled with
food, VCRs, modems, and themselves. They had set up a goal. To tour the
known universe. How? By slowly mingling into the storyverse. The Winnebago
held that much cuz it was the TARDIS. Their first goal...Cleveland, Ohio.
Now that there were no more white rabbits, etc, they could live in peace.
doc
Thank god that mess of the last 13 posts is over.
Suddenly...
Name: Basil #9
Date: 11:46 am Tue Nov 14, 1989
...Jayce's HD crashed, and everyone was thrown into
oblivion.
"Interesting twist Zonk," said Kendar, "Where'd it come from."
"Need you ask," replied Zonker as he sipped his electric koolaid
Basil
The End.
Name: Booji Boy #8
Date: 11:59 am Tue Nov 14, 1989
Name: Dinosaur #16
Date: 5:03 pm Tue Nov 14, 1989
This concludes "The Paradisians," a story written by the users of Computer
Paradise. Special thanks to Archmage, Adder, Booji Boy, Doctor Who, Hate,
Basil, The Kai Lord, Zarco, Seff, Cera, Littlefoot, Mr. Potato-Head, Mr.
Rice-A-Roni, Zonker, Blitho, Kendar, Edgar Allen Poe, a furry white rabbit,
Godzilla, Mechagodzilla, Jayce, Jayceyfishy, F. L. Y. N. N., Psychedelic Cera,
Stark Moustachea, The Eleventh Dimensional Beings, Father Christian, and
Dinosaur. Special hatred is extended to Mikey A, Astaran, and albinos
everywhere. Thank you, and goodnight.
P.S. The complete transcript of this story (from the point of Mikey A's
first demise on the planet A) is available on BBS's everywhere. Approximate
length: 125K.
----------END OF LINE-----------?
Login
Register
FAQ
Search
Members
