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 Post subject: First Attempt (Edited)
PostPosted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 1:50 pm 
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smexy assassin
Posts: 191
Species: anthroraptor
Location: The Middle of Nowair Oakluhoma
This is my first attempt at an actual story. This is just a quick story to introduce myself and show my writing style. I've edited this story back to the way I had originally intended to include more details and to explain how I ended up in that prison in the first place. Hope you like this version better!


My name is Razor. I'm an elite assassin-for-hire, plus a few other things on the side. My unique ability to change the color of my scales makes me perfect for the job as does my muscled, anthroraptor physique. The natural color of my scales is black and red. My client that day was a brave one. He wanted me to assassinate the king and was willing to pay big for it. A thousand gold pieces and my choice of twenty gems from his stores were worth the risks for me.

There was a big celebration in the castle that day, which made it easy to slip in unnoticed, provided that my scales were green to match the majority of the other scalies attending the celebration. There was a dance going on when I spotted my target dancing with another human female. The king was in his mid-twenties. His reflexes would still be at their peak; I would have to catch him by surprise. I went to the musicians when the song was over and requested a more lively song to be played, in the chaos it would be much easier to do my job and get out.

I had him right where I wanted him; he had moved away from the female as part of the dance and now there were other dancers blocking her view of him. This was my oppurtunity, and I was taking it. I slid my hunting knife out of the concealed pouch in my pants and prepared to strike. It was just fate that the little dog ran out after a crow at that point. Just as I lunged, I tripped over the unfortunate animal and accidentally impaled it with my sickle claw, landing unceremoniously but rolling up into a standing position as fast as lightning, not that it helped.

The king's body guards were upon me instantly, grabbing my arms and forcing me to my knees before the king. "My lord," the obvious leader stated,"There has been an attempt on your life. What shall be his punishment?" "Ah, so you think yourself brave, do you?" the king inquired. I was about to respond when a swift kick in the stomach by the king brought me to the ground. "There are penalties for bravery in the wrong places," the king announced. "This one has been disloyal, and shall pay the ultimate - no, even better, throw this one in with her," he decided with a bit of smugness in his voice. "If he survives through the night, set him free." One of the reptilian bodyguards flinched involuntarily at the word her. "Yes my lord," he said in a shaky voice and bowed as I was dragged off.

I waited until just the right moment to retaliate: just as one guard took his hands off my arms to open the door to the cell, and as he opened the door, I grabbed the man by the throught and slammed his head into the door. He collapsed, unconcious as I impaled my claws into the space between the second guard's jaw and skull. I turned, fingers dripping with blood, as the raptor guard from before punched me square in the chest; not enough to hurt, but hard enough that I tripped backwards over one of the fallen guards into the cell, whose door shut almost as soon as I was fully inside. I stood quickly and pulled vainly at the bars on the door. "I'm sorry," the raptor guard mouthed with true sympathy in his eyes as he closed the cover over the bars and strode off.

I looked around my cell. When the guard had closed the cover, he had eliminated all light. Even with my slitted raptor eyes I could not see a thing. I was able to feel out a wall which I estimated to be over fifty yards long! I could not reach the ceiling, even jumping with my sprinter's legs. My leg brushed up againgst something. A pile of bones. I felt around and, to at least some extent, I was relieved that I felt no raptor bones, though I could, I thought, have been the first one introduced to this particular cell. My thoughts were interrupted when I noticed a steady, rumbling noise that could not be mistaken as anything other than breathing. From a creature many times my own size.

I tried not to panic, I really did, but even I could not contain my fear at what I knew was coming. The cell was suddenly bright for a few seconds, forcing me to close my eyes in pain. When I opened them again, there were lit candles hanging from the ceiling which I had not been able to see before and there, clad from head to tailtip to toe, stood the dragon. She (I could tell by the narrower snout) yawned widely, exposing row upon row of white, gleaming teeth and a long, slender tongue as she stretched much like a dog does after a long nap, stretching out first her front legs, then each of her hind legs in turn, both of which I noticed had pads on the soles. The dragoness looked me up and down with emerald eyes and spoke, "I've been waiting for you Razor," she said in the most beautiful voice I had ever heard.

Confused, I was about to ask what she meant when she spoke again. "I only allow very special guests into this room. You should feel very lucky that you also fit into the category of those that I let live." "What?" was all I could force my body to squeak out. "Oh, I think you know what I mean," she replied as she walked past me, giving me a perfect view of her sole as she walked by. "I'm going to enjoy this very much," she said, seeing the still confused expression on my face, but noticing that I continued to follow her foot's path with my eyes as the toes spread and she set it down on the ground.

I was still trying to comprehend my situation when I was suddenly knocked onto my back by her snout. A massive golden hind foot then pinned me to the ground. The sole had thick pads that were softer than anything I had ever felt. So soft, in fact, that when the dragoness put more weight on me, her sole conformed to my body to completely cover my entire body except my head, which stuck out between two toes. "First, let's see just how much pressure you can stand. For future reference, of course." she said and began to press. She slowly added more and more pressure to her hind foot until finally she had to lift her front legs off the ground in order to keep adding pressure. It became hard to breathe and I started to see spots. The pressure just kept coming. It kept building and building until I was sure I would pass out, then, suddenly, the pressure was gone.

I struggled to catch my breath. The air suddenly seemed too thick to take in fast enough. "I'm impressed," she said. "Most would not have been able to take half that much pressure, but you held up quite well. Let's continue, shall we?" Not sure whether this was a dream come true or a nightmare, I tried to stand, only to be flattened by the dragoness's massive, three-toed foot once more. I could see one curved, gleaming-white claw digging into the ground beside my head.

The dragoness stepped off me for a moment, seeming in a somewhat playful mood. I rolled to my feet quick as a flash and ran. She waited for me to run a sufficient distance away before lashing out with her long tail, sweeping my legs out from under me. I heard two thundering footfalls and then was suddenly staring at the dragoness's sole right in front of my face. It was beautiful to behold. Three toes perfectly spread, the pattern of golden scales broken only by the long, curved claws at each toe and the black pads on her sole. I could have moved, I had time, but I just, couldn't. The dragoness's huge sole soon pressed down on my face, pressing my head back into the ground.

I wanted to go, to get out, to escape somehow. Looking back, however, I doubt I would have if given the oppurtunity. I did not have the privilege of having that choice, however, as the dragoness placed her other foot on my lower body and began to trample. HARD. She lifted her foot off my face and SLAMMED it back down with enough force to cause me to involuntarily change colors from green, which I had not payed attention to, back to my natural black and red. The same with my lower body. SLAM! She continued to drive my body into the floor with those giant sledgehammers that some would call feet. I barely had time to breathe as one foot was lifted only to have the breath crushed out of me again on its way down. I would not be able to take much of this.

When the onslaught was over, I was in the worst shape I'd ever been in. The dragoness had managed to bruise every square inch of my body without breaking a single bone. The dragoness finally stepped off me. I took in a long, deep breath. Oh, sweet, sweet oxygen! The dragoness indicated to a large padded area on the other side of the room I had not noticed. "Go to the indentation there and lie down," she commanded. I struggled to my feet, looked to where she was pointing, and took off in the opposite direction, despite the pain. I don't know where I was going, I just had to get away! It hardly mattered as I was soon slammed down by the dragoness's paw once more. "Either you can walk there yourself, or I will," she said. It took me a moment too long to realize what she meant. She grasped my head with her toes and, well, walked.

It took three bone-jarring steps for her to reach her destination, the ground rushing up to meet me and making a horrible first impression, until she reached what I realized was a bed. "I have no padding at the foot of my bed," she explained. "But I think you will fill that role nicely." She unceremoniously dumped me down on the ground and smothered my body under both feet, but did not add any pressure, although the sheer weight of her legs alone were enough to keep me pinned. "There, that's not so bad, is it?" she said, flexing her toes. "Good night, my little toy. Sleep well." The next thing I heard was deep, quiet breathing, leaving me alone with my thoughts and the dragoness's feet, thinking how long of a night it was going to be.


I hope everyone liked the extra details and the introduction that I had all but left out before. Please comment! Or critique! Or whatever else you just feel like doing! :D
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 Post subject: Re: First Attempt
PostPosted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 9:44 pm 
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Oracle of the Slipper
Posts: 2661
Species: Weesaur
Location: Ankh Ridge, Alyeska
I think that's great for a first story! :)

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 Post subject: Re: First Attempt
PostPosted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 10:33 am 
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Talking Tyrannosaur
Posts: 861
Species: Tyrannosaurus
Very awesome indeed - what a wonderful situation. You should definitely continue!
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 Post subject: Re: First Attempt
PostPosted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 6:45 pm 
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Location: Japan
Very nice story you have written. I could read through this story without using any dictionary. It was easy for me
to understand at all. However, I may have some misunderstanding in the story. The form of the dragoness or her height, for example. I also like to draw this kind of pictures, but I have few ideas.

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 Post subject: Re: First Attempt
PostPosted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 11:27 am 
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smexy assassin
Posts: 191
Species: anthroraptor
Location: The Middle of Nowair Oakluhoma
RavenClaw wrote:
Very nice story you have written. I could read through this story without using any dictionary. It was easy for me
to understand at all. However, I may have some misunderstanding in the story. The form of the dragoness or her height, for example. I also like to draw this kind of pictures, but I have few ideas.
I'm sorry, I thought I had included more detailed descriptions of the dragoness. I may post this again the way I had originally intended for it to be written, but I was running out of time having been logged off several times while typing. For future reference, though, the dragoness (who I have yet to name) is about ten feet tall when on all fours, (which is a lot taller than most people realize) although in this story she prefers to stand on her hind legs, which makes her about thirty feet tall. If you would like to draw a picture of her, you don't need to ask my permission, go for it! I would love to actually have a visual representation of this dragoness! I would also accept reccomendations for names, that's not my strong point.
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 Post subject: Re: First Attempt (Edited)
PostPosted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 4:42 pm 
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smexy assassin
Posts: 191
Species: anthroraptor
Location: The Middle of Nowair Oakluhoma
Just so that everyone will notice, I edited my story back to its original version, which includes a lot more detail and a few little things I added in here and there. Overall, I think it's a huge improvement. Let me know what you think.
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 Post subject: Re: First Attempt
PostPosted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 7:19 pm 
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Movie Monster
Posts: 343
Species: Anthro Dragon
Location: Minnesota
Razor wrote:
I'm sorry, I thought I had included more detailed descriptions of the dragoness.


This is a common result of first drafts. The difference between what you thought you wrote, and what you actually wrote is often startling.

I can't remember exactly how it read before, but it seems cleaned up fairly well. I would have some general questions about the situation, but for this sort of short-form fiction I'm not sure if it's really necessary to know. I read through it cleanly, and didn't have to stop to figure things out. Perhaps the one sticking point would be the dance is brief and not as well explained. I wasn't sure what kind of mixture of people you had going on. I wasn't sure at times when a person was human or raptor/other.

That you have a beginning and an end, and that you actually bothered to edit it are quite positive to me. :)
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 Post subject: Re: First Attempt (Edited)
PostPosted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 1:38 am 
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Talking Tyrannosaur
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Good work with the edit, Razor - this reads even better now!

*Rumbles approval of trample-lusty dragons*
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 Post subject: Re: First Attempt (Edited)
PostPosted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 5:14 am 
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smexy assassin
Posts: 191
Species: anthroraptor
Location: The Middle of Nowair Oakluhoma
Thank you for your comments! Just to clarify, all guards were humans except the one raptor. I would hardly think a fragile human would have been able to punch hard enough to actually cause me to fall. The mix of humans, scalies, and furries at the celebration is irrelevant, except to know that some of each were there. I realize now that I did, however, fail to clarify that the king was also human. I gave some thought to adding in something like "I nearly stepped on a very small green scalie that I had not seen before, as he was only about an inch tall" as a reference to the dinosorcerer, but I wasn't sure if that would be violating copyright or anything. Thank you again for your comments! The next story I post will be much better. I hope. :D
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 Post subject: Re: First Attempt (Edited)
PostPosted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 9:35 pm 
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Good jo--wait...

*puts on reading glasses, then takes them off*
*points to paragraph 12, line 1*

You spelled, "priviledge," wrong. :|



:P BEWARE THE CRITICS!!!

And annotative analysts.

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 Post subject: Re: First Attempt (Edited)
PostPosted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 5:52 am 
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smexy assassin
Posts: 191
Species: anthroraptor
Location: The Middle of Nowair Oakluhoma
ESC wrote:
Good jo--wait...

*puts on reading glasses, then takes them off*
*points to paragraph 12, line 1*

You spelled, "priviledge," wrong. :|



:P BEWARE THE CRITICS!!!

And annotative analysts.
Wow, I should just spell check all my stories and throw in just one misspelled word in each one just to see if you can spot it. And I checked it on microsoft word, it's "privilege". HAHAHA! :D
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 Post subject: Re: First Attempt (Edited)
PostPosted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 6:12 am 
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Movie Monster
Posts: 343
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Location: Minnesota
Quote:
I grabbed the man by the throaght and slammed his head into the door


If we're after the typos now.
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 Post subject: Re: First Attempt (Edited)
PostPosted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 12:55 pm 
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smexy assassin
Posts: 191
Species: anthroraptor
Location: The Middle of Nowair Oakluhoma
DAH! *shoves head into pillow and screams* Whew, I needed that. Perhaps you'd like to get YOUR face stomped into the ground all night by a three-thousand pound dragon and see how well YOU can spell!!!
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 Post subject: Re: First Attempt (Edited)
PostPosted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 7:29 pm 
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...which reminds me...

(CRITIC CAP ON)

When is this narration taking place? After or during?
Could it be while the thoughts were accumulated to tell the audience (us) what he/you've gone through?
Is it more than coincidence to have the king penalize you through "her" rather than death and that he's/you're not dead at that point (aside from the paw-slutty factors you bastards crave)?
Are 1000 gold pieces and 20 selected gems worth the assassination of a king?
Besides telling what he is/you are now, what was he/you before, and of what purpose is he/are you that he is/you are now?

Don't worry if don't answer them, they're just mental notes for me to see what you have in store, and hopefully will not include any bias or affect to your main purpose, plot, ideas, style, or sanity. :)

P.S. - You spelled "uncon[s]cious" wrong. :
And another note...

Why does the oxymoron occur between a "dream come true or a nightmare"? Is it by the punishment or torture and sluttiness? (Which is probably a rhetorical question)

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 Post subject: Re: First Attempt (Edited)
PostPosted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 12:46 am 
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Blue Raptor
Posts: 1277
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Location: Raptorland
ESC wrote:
Are 1000 gold pieces and 20 selected gems worth the assassination of a king?

Depends on how shiny they are I guess? :)
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